I sat outside today on a plastic lawn chair. I had an iced coffee near me and a smoke. I looked at the sky and remembered. That's what I wanted all along. A view of the blue summer sky, a cool drink, and a moment to myself where I just stopped and looked at the clouds. Something happened.
I have a chair on a piece of land I own and I sat in it looked up at the sky and realized....
I could take five minutes of every day and make it mine. I saw this!
It was just enough.
me
Yes, but have you seen THIS?
Okay, some people find the blue sky thrilling, some find a thrill in a virtual worldracing o my god thatissofuckingawesomeHOWTHETHXSOUNDJUSTSHOOKMYFUCKINGHOUSEWHEN IPLAYEDTHATTRAILER!!!!!!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Harvard v. Cambridge
I don't have all the facts, and I don't care to. Henry Louis Gates takes on the LAW and I like it! Here's my take:
A professor at Harvard breaks into his own house. Someone calls the police. They ask him to identify himself and step outside. he refuses and lectures them about being a black man in America. Awesome.
I've broken into my own house hundreds of times. Sometimes I lock myself out. Sometimes it's to test my security. Sometimes for fun and sometimes for insurance fraud. No fucking badge is going to come and bust my nuts in my own home, especially if I magically become black overnight.
You all know I think racial bullshit is overplayed and I don't give a damn what happened to you because of your ethnicity and it's no excuse for any behavior outside of the bounds of the law. BUT, this guy was within his rights. Did he have to pull an attitude? No. But God bless the little bastard for doing it.
I could care less about his rights as a black man ( a wealthy black man at that). I care about his rights as a citizen. I think he played the race card and got nasty on purpose so they would arrest him and he could get some face on the TV, and that's a little weak, but I'd give some sass to a Blue Boy if he jumped me in my own crib.
Now, if he were speeding or beating his wife or boyfriend or a dog, no. That's when you get polite. Nice officer. Always good to poor Murk! Niiiiice master! But... MY HOUSE! Show a warrant, or make an arrest if you think I don't belong there and I'll see you in court, Jiffy Cop!
In fairness, Police have a rough job, even in Cambridge. They deserve respect. But so do we. You want to be a hardass and take someone downtown for locking themselves out of their house and mouthing off, do it. Go ahead. But I think every citizen has the right to kick people out of their house, even in a rude manner, even a Police Officer, if they haven't broken the law.
For the record, I am not a Democrat. I dislike liberal whining. But I believe in freedom. Especially in our own homes.
The last word: Obama should stay the fuck out of it. A simple "I don't have enough information to comment on that", especially when he needed to talk health care, would have been better. That and he needs to learn the difference between the articles 'a' and 'an', and the rules for when to use which one.
Murk signing off.
A professor at Harvard breaks into his own house. Someone calls the police. They ask him to identify himself and step outside. he refuses and lectures them about being a black man in America. Awesome.
I've broken into my own house hundreds of times. Sometimes I lock myself out. Sometimes it's to test my security. Sometimes for fun and sometimes for insurance fraud. No fucking badge is going to come and bust my nuts in my own home, especially if I magically become black overnight.
You all know I think racial bullshit is overplayed and I don't give a damn what happened to you because of your ethnicity and it's no excuse for any behavior outside of the bounds of the law. BUT, this guy was within his rights. Did he have to pull an attitude? No. But God bless the little bastard for doing it.
I could care less about his rights as a black man ( a wealthy black man at that). I care about his rights as a citizen. I think he played the race card and got nasty on purpose so they would arrest him and he could get some face on the TV, and that's a little weak, but I'd give some sass to a Blue Boy if he jumped me in my own crib.
Now, if he were speeding or beating his wife or boyfriend or a dog, no. That's when you get polite. Nice officer. Always good to poor Murk! Niiiiice master! But... MY HOUSE! Show a warrant, or make an arrest if you think I don't belong there and I'll see you in court, Jiffy Cop!
In fairness, Police have a rough job, even in Cambridge. They deserve respect. But so do we. You want to be a hardass and take someone downtown for locking themselves out of their house and mouthing off, do it. Go ahead. But I think every citizen has the right to kick people out of their house, even in a rude manner, even a Police Officer, if they haven't broken the law.
For the record, I am not a Democrat. I dislike liberal whining. But I believe in freedom. Especially in our own homes.
The last word: Obama should stay the fuck out of it. A simple "I don't have enough information to comment on that", especially when he needed to talk health care, would have been better. That and he needs to learn the difference between the articles 'a' and 'an', and the rules for when to use which one.
Murk signing off.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I Wonder...
Naw. I don't wonder. I worry. Naw, too soft a phrase. I pity the human race and myself and State Police Jesus and Uncle Freddy.
We are grunting shit factories with bad attitudes. There is nothing redeeming or noble about being a human being. We're fucking animals. There's no magic or mystery. We're diseased eat/sleep/fuck machines just like the rest of nature only we try to hide it and that makes us EVIL as all fuckout.
Worse, we are self aware. Too self aware. Now granted, it seems that the 'lower life forms' have little regard for their own kind as far as courtesy or sharing except out of a genetic drive to propagate the species, but we humans are aware of ourselves, that there are others that share our horrible condition (humanity), and we make fully conscious choices to ignore, exploit and worsen this condition for others.
Even the few of us that try, on occasion to provide relief, find the conditioning of life too much to resist. We give, others take, and we get little back so we stop giving. Or worse, we become incapable of seeing the open giving of others and even learn to resent help. In short, one has to be willing to give, overlook slights, acknowledge the help of others without resent, be conscious of when we refuse to give and try to make amends, all for the general good only to have the majority of people overlook what we do, and sometimes even abuse our generosity.
And when we can't give and others need us, but we're in a bind and find ourselves incapable of helping others, and those that need us most forget all the times we've been there for them and helped out and they've overlooked their own lack of compassion towards us and turn bitter and flippant towards us, we have to move on and remind ourselves that maybe what they're going through is worse than what we are. You never know.
And then there are times when we are forced to ask for help and greeted with anger. Maybe people hate weakness or maybe they are just too selfish and can't bother to be slightly inconvenienced. And not just strangers we ask for help, but friends.
Now this is Dr. Murk taking to you, so those of you that have helped me, past present and future can exempt yourself from my angst. Most of you know because I've thanked you or will thank you when I get to it. If you're not sure which category you fall in, feel free to pick a category for yourself because you're probably okay. Most of those who I'm cranked at don't even read this. So why bother?
Hey, fuck all I just think it needs to be said on my behalf, my wife's behalf, my family and a few close friends in tough times right now too. I hear so many shitty stories about how people I love are being treated. feel free to sign this with a comment and stand up for yourself if you agree.
If you disagree, hey that's you and you're lucky and I hope it never comes back on you like it's come back on me.
/end rant
We are grunting shit factories with bad attitudes. There is nothing redeeming or noble about being a human being. We're fucking animals. There's no magic or mystery. We're diseased eat/sleep/fuck machines just like the rest of nature only we try to hide it and that makes us EVIL as all fuckout.
Worse, we are self aware. Too self aware. Now granted, it seems that the 'lower life forms' have little regard for their own kind as far as courtesy or sharing except out of a genetic drive to propagate the species, but we humans are aware of ourselves, that there are others that share our horrible condition (humanity), and we make fully conscious choices to ignore, exploit and worsen this condition for others.
Even the few of us that try, on occasion to provide relief, find the conditioning of life too much to resist. We give, others take, and we get little back so we stop giving. Or worse, we become incapable of seeing the open giving of others and even learn to resent help. In short, one has to be willing to give, overlook slights, acknowledge the help of others without resent, be conscious of when we refuse to give and try to make amends, all for the general good only to have the majority of people overlook what we do, and sometimes even abuse our generosity.
And when we can't give and others need us, but we're in a bind and find ourselves incapable of helping others, and those that need us most forget all the times we've been there for them and helped out and they've overlooked their own lack of compassion towards us and turn bitter and flippant towards us, we have to move on and remind ourselves that maybe what they're going through is worse than what we are. You never know.
And then there are times when we are forced to ask for help and greeted with anger. Maybe people hate weakness or maybe they are just too selfish and can't bother to be slightly inconvenienced. And not just strangers we ask for help, but friends.
Now this is Dr. Murk taking to you, so those of you that have helped me, past present and future can exempt yourself from my angst. Most of you know because I've thanked you or will thank you when I get to it. If you're not sure which category you fall in, feel free to pick a category for yourself because you're probably okay. Most of those who I'm cranked at don't even read this. So why bother?
Hey, fuck all I just think it needs to be said on my behalf, my wife's behalf, my family and a few close friends in tough times right now too. I hear so many shitty stories about how people I love are being treated. feel free to sign this with a comment and stand up for yourself if you agree.
If you disagree, hey that's you and you're lucky and I hope it never comes back on you like it's come back on me.
/end rant
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
You Wanted Mor Cees????
So, the Chicago Bulls (the team of Joey Polanski) waive forward Tim Thomas on my father's birthday, July 14th. They bought out his $6.8 million dollar contract because due to some identity issues, the only played in 18 games last year. Well, before that he was averaging about 11 points a game and rebounds pretty well and was, I remember, a good shot blocker.
The Celtics, having aquired Rasheed Wallace and more recently Marquise Daniels, still have (I believe) one veteran minimum to hand out. Thomas has already been paid in his buyout. He's a six eleven power forward who plays with energy and a chip on his shoulder. Why the hell not? Come on over Timmy!
Here's the starting lineup:
Rondo
Allen
Pierce
Garnett
Perkins
Then off the bench
some point guard
Eddie House
Maquise Daniels
Glen 'Big Baby' Davis
Rasheed Wallace
Then, in come Tim Thomas to fuck with some people's heads, grab some garbage boards and score like 6 buckets.
That's an 11 man rotation (something Doc Rivers loves and won a championship with, EVEN in the playoff playing 10 guys a game sometimes), and their all scorers. Throw in Bill Walker as your twelve, send Gabe Pruit to Atlanta and get that project kid they drafted (whatever his waste of a name was) down to the D leaugue and now you've got a squad.
Don't enjoy Celtics talk? Well, here's something for you non sports fans.
Suck my dick.
The Celtics, having aquired Rasheed Wallace and more recently Marquise Daniels, still have (I believe) one veteran minimum to hand out. Thomas has already been paid in his buyout. He's a six eleven power forward who plays with energy and a chip on his shoulder. Why the hell not? Come on over Timmy!
Here's the starting lineup:
Rondo
Allen
Pierce
Garnett
Perkins
Then off the bench
some point guard
Eddie House
Maquise Daniels
Glen 'Big Baby' Davis
Rasheed Wallace
Then, in come Tim Thomas to fuck with some people's heads, grab some garbage boards and score like 6 buckets.
That's an 11 man rotation (something Doc Rivers loves and won a championship with, EVEN in the playoff playing 10 guys a game sometimes), and their all scorers. Throw in Bill Walker as your twelve, send Gabe Pruit to Atlanta and get that project kid they drafted (whatever his waste of a name was) down to the D leaugue and now you've got a squad.
Don't enjoy Celtics talk? Well, here's something for you non sports fans.
Suck my dick.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Malach's Hot Juicy Beef
So, Malach the Merciless made prime rib. Now, I am never one to doubt the cooking ability of the illustrious Bistro King Malach, but prome rib is easy to fuck up, and it goes in grade. I've had beef too dry, not cooked enough, over seasoned, just off, gamey, squished, watered down and just crap bland. Then, sometimes you get a decent cut, well cooked, nicely seasoned, a good treat.
AND THEN, there's Malach's Prime Rib. Boring back story: there used to be a place called Costa's Family Restaurant that served prime rib by the ton and it was the best the best the best ever hands down no substitutes and no immitations accepted. As far as I recall, Malach has attempted Prime Rib maybe onve or twice and I did not sample it. So, this was a bit of what the chess playing world would be a novelty.
It came into the house (yes, he delivered it to a party for some really old dude we know called 'Dad' or something), and he unveiled it. I try never to make snap jusdements based solely on looks, or aroma or even looks and aroma... but man o man... like the wise woman at the front of the chow line said, we were on it like vultures.
Look. I barely eat now. I've become one of those min calorie people. Maybe 1000 on a really low day because it makes me feel better than pigging out, but when I get a hankering for something, I dive in.
I took the biggest slice, and half of Mrs. Dr. Murk's slice when she was too full to continue. This was beef folks. Pure and simple. Prime Rib of Beef, the King's Request meal and it was beyond perfect. It made Costa's taste like old shoe leather dipped in shit.
My specialty is staight fire BBQ wings and people rave over them. This was one notch UP from my wings. Not down, UP. My wife can outcook me in most areas, but my wings kick her ass up and down the block with a size 15 lead boot, and this Prime Rib beat my wings. I will even introduce myself to people in public and admit this because the beef was so savory I'm ashamed that my dirty mouth, my unworthy filth hole even ate it. I degraded the meat by even thinking I was worthy to taste it.
Normally I'm a cuss and will trash anyone and anything in my way, but I can't. I can't even pretend to be slightly unimpressed. Awesome. Much like me, Awesome. I can now rest for the night knowing God has not abandoned us.
AND THEN, there's Malach's Prime Rib. Boring back story: there used to be a place called Costa's Family Restaurant that served prime rib by the ton and it was the best the best the best ever hands down no substitutes and no immitations accepted. As far as I recall, Malach has attempted Prime Rib maybe onve or twice and I did not sample it. So, this was a bit of what the chess playing world would be a novelty.
It came into the house (yes, he delivered it to a party for some really old dude we know called 'Dad' or something), and he unveiled it. I try never to make snap jusdements based solely on looks, or aroma or even looks and aroma... but man o man... like the wise woman at the front of the chow line said, we were on it like vultures.
Look. I barely eat now. I've become one of those min calorie people. Maybe 1000 on a really low day because it makes me feel better than pigging out, but when I get a hankering for something, I dive in.
I took the biggest slice, and half of Mrs. Dr. Murk's slice when she was too full to continue. This was beef folks. Pure and simple. Prime Rib of Beef, the King's Request meal and it was beyond perfect. It made Costa's taste like old shoe leather dipped in shit.
My specialty is staight fire BBQ wings and people rave over them. This was one notch UP from my wings. Not down, UP. My wife can outcook me in most areas, but my wings kick her ass up and down the block with a size 15 lead boot, and this Prime Rib beat my wings. I will even introduce myself to people in public and admit this because the beef was so savory I'm ashamed that my dirty mouth, my unworthy filth hole even ate it. I degraded the meat by even thinking I was worthy to taste it.
Normally I'm a cuss and will trash anyone and anything in my way, but I can't. I can't even pretend to be slightly unimpressed. Awesome. Much like me, Awesome. I can now rest for the night knowing God has not abandoned us.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Retail Terrorists
The grocery store is filled with pirates and IEDs. I went to buy myself some bread and shit, and then this dude pops out with a price gun and retagged everything in the bread aisle and in my cart.
Okay, it wasn't like that, but food is damn expensive. Ever since people forgot how to grow their own, we've been at the mercy of greedy Armenian Grocers. It's been even worse over the last five years. The four dollar a gallon gas hike gave everyone from Tom Jones to Freddy Fingers an excuse to raise prices by ten to twenty percent.
My bill at the Stop and Shop actually said "Ha ha, fuck you!" at the bottom. Actually it said Thank You, but I said Fuck You to the cashier, the butcher, the deli hag, some retarded kid and the elderly war veteran. I also ran over a cat on my way home. It was in someone's yard. I had to do some NASCAR style shit to get it too.
It's alright though. I used some lady's credit card and signed it George Orwell just to see if the cashier was paying attention. And, I touched like eight of the loaves of bread. I'm not telling which ones.
Okay, it wasn't like that, but food is damn expensive. Ever since people forgot how to grow their own, we've been at the mercy of greedy Armenian Grocers. It's been even worse over the last five years. The four dollar a gallon gas hike gave everyone from Tom Jones to Freddy Fingers an excuse to raise prices by ten to twenty percent.
My bill at the Stop and Shop actually said "Ha ha, fuck you!" at the bottom. Actually it said Thank You, but I said Fuck You to the cashier, the butcher, the deli hag, some retarded kid and the elderly war veteran. I also ran over a cat on my way home. It was in someone's yard. I had to do some NASCAR style shit to get it too.
It's alright though. I used some lady's credit card and signed it George Orwell just to see if the cashier was paying attention. And, I touched like eight of the loaves of bread. I'm not telling which ones.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Hulu Will Break Your Neck
So, like has Hulu caught on yet? No. Why? I don't know. Let's see...
Its search function is clumsy like a fat fisted hooker. The clips are small, short and choppy. You have to sign up for any of the good stuff and you have to pay. At least at YouTube I don't have to give an email or any money to watch crappy web based junk.
But but but... mister Murk, Hulu is on TV and has stuff that's like copywriteded or trademurked or something or that... fuck off.
It's not only the bad execution, but the bad concept. I ride my internet bareback so I can get all interactive and shit. I'm not here to watch TV!! That's what the TV is for! Some day, some brilliant sociopath will come along and merge TV and web based stuff and then maybe maybe maybe Hulu goes somewhere... maybe.
But, right now, I'd rather journey to sites that have unique internet based content, not rehashed TV crap on the internet. There's enough rehashed crap on TV. And with On Demand and DRVs, we get the shows... we want... when... we want... nevermind. Why do I bother?
Here's the TL;DR version: Hulu, GO FUCK YOURSELF! It sucks.
And now, I'd like to go back to making fun of minorities.
Its search function is clumsy like a fat fisted hooker. The clips are small, short and choppy. You have to sign up for any of the good stuff and you have to pay. At least at YouTube I don't have to give an email or any money to watch crappy web based junk.
But but but... mister Murk, Hulu is on TV and has stuff that's like copywriteded or trademurked or something or that... fuck off.
It's not only the bad execution, but the bad concept. I ride my internet bareback so I can get all interactive and shit. I'm not here to watch TV!! That's what the TV is for! Some day, some brilliant sociopath will come along and merge TV and web based stuff and then maybe maybe maybe Hulu goes somewhere... maybe.
But, right now, I'd rather journey to sites that have unique internet based content, not rehashed TV crap on the internet. There's enough rehashed crap on TV. And with On Demand and DRVs, we get the shows... we want... when... we want... nevermind. Why do I bother?
Here's the TL;DR version: Hulu, GO FUCK YOURSELF! It sucks.
And now, I'd like to go back to making fun of minorities.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Unbearable Sports Talk
So, it's July 6th, 2009 and the Boston Celtics have just aquired Rasheed Wallace. I need to tell you a few things about Sheed.
1. He's an asshole. I've watched Sheed since his early days in Portland. Actually, I've always been mildly in love with the Portland Trailblazers. So, I've watched his games. He talks too much. He's always running his yap. He talks to players, fans, refs, coaches... he never stops.
2. He's got post and range. He can make moves close to the basket. He can shoot the three. He's one of the best three point shooting 6 foot 11 inch guys to ever play the game. He's got some big time offensive skills.
3. He's a good to great defender, especially off the ball. You pair him with KG and the paint is closed. Closed, people! He eats up about three feet of shooting space on either side of the key.
4. He's an all or nothing. When he's on, the Celtics will be unstoppable. When he's off, they had better not let him within 30 feet of the ball because he will grab it, shoot it, miss it the entire night. I've seen him go cold for weeks and still shoot bad shots over and over and over. He takes really bad shots, but he makes enough of them to give you the thought that maybe that's a good thing.
The quick and dirty is... Celtics fans, he's Antoine Walker with height and a better shot. He's more athletic too. That's the bad news. The good news is the Celtics don't need him to be on every night. He's a fifth option at best. Maybe a sixth. If Sheedy can play sixth man, come off the bench after Kendrick Perkins pick up his 5th foul in the first quarter, he's a huge huge plus.
However, if he becomes a staple of the starting lineup and plays more than 25 minutes a night, this might backfire. There's not enough ball for Pierce, Allen and Rondo, nevermind getting Sheedy 20 touches a night.
Mark the words of the Murk. If Glen Davis gets a higher offer (remeber, he's a restricted free agent and the Celtics own him if they match any offer by other teams) and goes somewhere else, this will be bad. How bad? Well, not as bad as having NO ONE to spell Perkins and KG, but much less than ideal.
Why?
Sheed is old. He can't carry the minutes but he's stubborn and just good enough to get his number called to do so. And all this talk about veterans in the locker room and Doc Rivers having his respect is nice, if we're writing a movie script, but NO ONE is changing Sheed. Remember, this is the guy they put the manditory suspension for too many technicals in a season for. And this is not a man trying to restart his career or rebuild his image. This is an aging guy trying to trade time for a few more rings. He doesn't need a new contract after this. He will not be on his best behavior.
Do I like the move?
Oh fuck yes I do. I love Rasheed Wallace. He reminds me of me.
1. He's an asshole. I've watched Sheed since his early days in Portland. Actually, I've always been mildly in love with the Portland Trailblazers. So, I've watched his games. He talks too much. He's always running his yap. He talks to players, fans, refs, coaches... he never stops.
2. He's got post and range. He can make moves close to the basket. He can shoot the three. He's one of the best three point shooting 6 foot 11 inch guys to ever play the game. He's got some big time offensive skills.
3. He's a good to great defender, especially off the ball. You pair him with KG and the paint is closed. Closed, people! He eats up about three feet of shooting space on either side of the key.
4. He's an all or nothing. When he's on, the Celtics will be unstoppable. When he's off, they had better not let him within 30 feet of the ball because he will grab it, shoot it, miss it the entire night. I've seen him go cold for weeks and still shoot bad shots over and over and over. He takes really bad shots, but he makes enough of them to give you the thought that maybe that's a good thing.
The quick and dirty is... Celtics fans, he's Antoine Walker with height and a better shot. He's more athletic too. That's the bad news. The good news is the Celtics don't need him to be on every night. He's a fifth option at best. Maybe a sixth. If Sheedy can play sixth man, come off the bench after Kendrick Perkins pick up his 5th foul in the first quarter, he's a huge huge plus.
However, if he becomes a staple of the starting lineup and plays more than 25 minutes a night, this might backfire. There's not enough ball for Pierce, Allen and Rondo, nevermind getting Sheedy 20 touches a night.
Mark the words of the Murk. If Glen Davis gets a higher offer (remeber, he's a restricted free agent and the Celtics own him if they match any offer by other teams) and goes somewhere else, this will be bad. How bad? Well, not as bad as having NO ONE to spell Perkins and KG, but much less than ideal.
Why?
Sheed is old. He can't carry the minutes but he's stubborn and just good enough to get his number called to do so. And all this talk about veterans in the locker room and Doc Rivers having his respect is nice, if we're writing a movie script, but NO ONE is changing Sheed. Remember, this is the guy they put the manditory suspension for too many technicals in a season for. And this is not a man trying to restart his career or rebuild his image. This is an aging guy trying to trade time for a few more rings. He doesn't need a new contract after this. He will not be on his best behavior.
Do I like the move?
Oh fuck yes I do. I love Rasheed Wallace. He reminds me of me.
Friday, July 3, 2009
And Now...
CELEBRITY DEATH WATCH:::::
Here's the Vegas odds on these celebs dying in the next month...
Dick Clark 3/2
Keith Richards 10/1
Anna Nicole Smith (again) .off.
Joaquim Phoenix 4/3
Mel Gibson 7/1
Elvis Costello 15/1
Jimmy Carter 2/1
Magic Jonson 32/1
Pamela Anderson 15/1
Martin Sheen 5/1
Oprah Winfrey 524/1
Plaxico Burress 23/5
Denzel Washington 43/3
Tonya Harding 12/1
Kim Catrall 37/1
Pedro Gomez 112/3
Billy D. Williams 23/2
Barry Sanders 221/1
Billy Mays .off.
Kevin Bacon 666/1
Chuck D 12/1
S. Epatha Merkerson 41/1
Maury Pocich 5/1
Here's the Vegas odds on these celebs dying in the next month...
Dick Clark 3/2
Keith Richards 10/1
Anna Nicole Smith (again) .off.
Joaquim Phoenix 4/3
Mel Gibson 7/1
Elvis Costello 15/1
Jimmy Carter 2/1
Magic Jonson 32/1
Pamela Anderson 15/1
Martin Sheen 5/1
Oprah Winfrey 524/1
Plaxico Burress 23/5
Denzel Washington 43/3
Tonya Harding 12/1
Kim Catrall 37/1
Pedro Gomez 112/3
Billy D. Williams 23/2
Barry Sanders 221/1
Billy Mays .off.
Kevin Bacon 666/1
Chuck D 12/1
S. Epatha Merkerson 41/1
Maury Pocich 5/1
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Criminal Minded
The heat wave descends upon my fair town and my mind turns, as it often does, to crime. I love the sound of trumped up legal charges as the baliff shouts them of in court. Poetic, really. So, as a sort of primary on crime poetry (it's like an offshoot of detective fiction), I present you with a short glossary of useful crime terms for your next flight of poesy:
Larceny - Now there's a word. The next time you have some highbrow friends over, let the word roll off your tongue at the end of a sentence. Like, "You know, I really haven't been myself since Bee was arrested for... Larceny."
Petty Theft - If you're feeling British, try petty theft on for size, old bean! Hoo ho! What what? Petty theft, you say? Righto! England is filled with thickly accented thieves, most of which come straight out of their military. But what is petty theft? Oh, shut up you git before I loosen your waggle with me ponfadoo. Fucking poofs.
Assault and Battery - No no. Not just assault. Assaul AND battery. Like mac and cheese. Pork and beens. Can't have assault without a little battery. For edification, assault is to attack with the intent to do harm, battery is the doing of injuries to the victim.
B n E - You can't just call it breaking and entering. Na na. It's BnE! BnE bro! Like A&E, except it's burglary! Oh. That's a good one too. Burglary. Ohhhh. Shivers. Oh. Oh. Now, you can have your entering. You can keep your breaking. But put them together and now you're going to blow up some ethic stereotypes. Everyone loves BnE. Even us white folk!
Cops - Just as a side note, it's supposedly a derrogatory term. Don't ever use it in front of a police officer. Like, don't say, "Do all you cops go in for that sort of butch sodomite looke, or is it just you Chauncy?" They don't like it. Robbers better than cops! Robbers.
So, anyways, that's just a bit to get you started. Soo, you'll be writing verses like this...
Open and Gross,
Lewd activity.
The perp limped off with a grin.
Not a cop for miles, but
That old lady might rat.
Better to hit her with a bat, said he.
Now he's 5 to nine in the County Pen.
Larceny - Now there's a word. The next time you have some highbrow friends over, let the word roll off your tongue at the end of a sentence. Like, "You know, I really haven't been myself since Bee was arrested for... Larceny."
Petty Theft - If you're feeling British, try petty theft on for size, old bean! Hoo ho! What what? Petty theft, you say? Righto! England is filled with thickly accented thieves, most of which come straight out of their military. But what is petty theft? Oh, shut up you git before I loosen your waggle with me ponfadoo. Fucking poofs.
Assault and Battery - No no. Not just assault. Assaul AND battery. Like mac and cheese. Pork and beens. Can't have assault without a little battery. For edification, assault is to attack with the intent to do harm, battery is the doing of injuries to the victim.
B n E - You can't just call it breaking and entering. Na na. It's BnE! BnE bro! Like A&E, except it's burglary! Oh. That's a good one too. Burglary. Ohhhh. Shivers. Oh. Oh. Now, you can have your entering. You can keep your breaking. But put them together and now you're going to blow up some ethic stereotypes. Everyone loves BnE. Even us white folk!
Cops - Just as a side note, it's supposedly a derrogatory term. Don't ever use it in front of a police officer. Like, don't say, "Do all you cops go in for that sort of butch sodomite looke, or is it just you Chauncy?" They don't like it. Robbers better than cops! Robbers.
So, anyways, that's just a bit to get you started. Soo, you'll be writing verses like this...
Open and Gross,
Lewd activity.
The perp limped off with a grin.
Not a cop for miles, but
That old lady might rat.
Better to hit her with a bat, said he.
Now he's 5 to nine in the County Pen.
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