Criminal Minded

The heat wave descends upon my fair town and my mind turns, as it often does, to crime. I love the sound of trumped up legal charges as the baliff shouts them of in court. Poetic, really. So, as a sort of primary on crime poetry (it's like an offshoot of detective fiction), I present you with a short glossary of useful crime terms for your next flight of poesy:

Larceny - Now there's a word. The next time you have some highbrow friends over, let the word roll off your tongue at the end of a sentence. Like, "You know, I really haven't been myself since Bee was arrested for... Larceny."

Petty Theft - If you're feeling British, try petty theft on for size, old bean! Hoo ho! What what? Petty theft, you say? Righto! England is filled with thickly accented thieves, most of which come straight out of their military. But what is petty theft? Oh, shut up you git before I loosen your waggle with me ponfadoo. Fucking poofs.

Assault and Battery - No no. Not just assault. Assaul AND battery. Like mac and cheese. Pork and beens. Can't have assault without a little battery. For edification, assault is to attack with the intent to do harm, battery is the doing of injuries to the victim.

B n E - You can't just call it breaking and entering. Na na. It's BnE! BnE bro! Like A&E, except it's burglary! Oh. That's a good one too. Burglary. Ohhhh. Shivers. Oh. Oh. Now, you can have your entering. You can keep your breaking. But put them together and now you're going to blow up some ethic stereotypes. Everyone loves BnE. Even us white folk!

Cops - Just as a side note, it's supposedly a derrogatory term. Don't ever use it in front of a police officer. Like, don't say, "Do all you cops go in for that sort of butch sodomite looke, or is it just you Chauncy?" They don't like it. Robbers better than cops! Robbers.

So, anyways, that's just a bit to get you started. Soo, you'll be writing verses like this...

Open and Gross,
Lewd activity.
The perp limped off with a grin.
Not a cop for miles, but
That old lady might rat.
Better to hit her with a bat, said he.
Now he's 5 to nine in the County Pen.