Dr. Murk's Brave New World

A Horrifying Story

2009-11-16T18:44:00.002-05:00

I went into one of those freaky massage parlors with the mirror glas storefront windows. You know the type. You do right? The ones for fuckin'. So, I went into one to get some... well, whatever it is guys get when they go in to get some. I was all about that.

Well, the wisened old crone at the desk took one look at me and proclaimed, "Ah! I know why you're here! I have just what you want!"

"Look, you old bitch," I said, "You can't possibly have what I want. You're old and dusty. I'm not even sure you're a woman!"

"Not me!" she said, shaking her head, "In that room is," she paused and snapped her fingers to get my attention again. I had become distracted by the shiny reflection in my penny loafers again. I'm sure you all know how much effort it takes to make them really shiny, and how good it feels when you've got them just perfect, right? "In that room is a sexual entity so powerful that no man or woman can resist it!"

"Satan?" I asked.

"No," she said. "For four hundred dollars you may enter if you think you are sex enough to survive." I paid my four hundred dollars and entered.

The room was dim, and behind a silk veil I saw a shadow writhing. I was rock. Instant rock. I dashed forward, my pants barely containing my manly impulse. I tore down the screen and...

HELLO!

That's my boy right there.

Rants, Raves, Buzzards, Et Al

2009-11-10T19:18:00.005-05:00

BuzzadirdBilly

Just a quick note to my pals in blog land and then a rant. The note reads thusly: BuzzardBilly rocks. Go see his blog. Link is above.

The rant has nothing to do with him. I just think he's cool.

The rant is as follows and I quote (myself):

I am constantly shocked. Shocked to fucking hell. I am Dr. Robert J. Murk, people. I am the evil side of the mind that we all have. So I see what we do and who we lie to and how we get over on people to get by. Lately, I've noticed a disturbing trend. There are normal people like all of us, who try to pull shit to get by and always get caught, and then there are people like the other rest of us that pull shit to get by an never get caught.

Since I am a shadow self to the internet and I am the orphaned child of your very own psyche, I am torn between the two groups. Let me back up a bit and explain. Everyone lives in this little reality we share. We know it's a tough place. We all do what we have to just to survive. Many of the things we do are distastful and unpleasant to us, but necessary.

We lie. We steal. We break promises. We cheat. We undermine. We sabotage. We headhunt. We flip out. We damage people. We make passive aggresive remarks. We all fucking do it to some degree. We have to. We don't survive long without greasing the wheels of the world with a little bullshit and graft money. We do it.

But, some of us get caught and some don't. Or, better said, some of us PAY dearly for transgressions and some manage to avoid consequences. And there is a relationship between how much we pay and how much we are willing to do not to pay. Meaning, some people know when to duck and let the guy behind them get hit.

Here's the problem.

In a world of competent liars, the stakes are being raised to very high levels. The fall guy who bears the brunt of other people's indiscretions is getting a triple dose. So, when dude number one passes the buck to dude number two, dude number two passes the buck and adds his buck into the kitty and passes it to dude number three. It's like 'hot potato'. When the music stops, the buck has been passed and added to so many times that the poor sucker holding it is paying the tab for many many many previous mistakes made by other people.

This would be okay if every once in a while the final bill landed on a complete shithead. Unfortunately, not a signle complete shithead has been hit by karma in the last 50 years or so.

This is messy. Let me clean it up.

We, the good guys, have been content to allow the blame to fall on us for a long time now. The shitheads haven't had a thing in the world to worry about because we, the good guys, continue to be good guys and just take it.

Here's my idea. Let's take all our crap, every single good guy among us, take our crap and lay the blame squarely on the nearest shithead for a change, even if they really had nothing to do with our crap. Find a shithead, blame him or her for your crap, walk away. Blame the shithead, walk away.

They are going to do it to us anyways. Why not pre-empt the strike?

Signed.

Cake Boss Murk

2009-11-01T12:15:00.002-05:00

Lookit!

It's my famous Popcorn Chicken and Taquito Double Layer Cake!

In in other news, ESPN's football coverage has now been simplified for all viewers. The new Sunday Countdown Schedule is as follows:

11 a.m. - a brief discussion about Brett Favre.

11:01 - a question about Tom Brady's health and a comment about the Patriots losing to the Giants in the Superbowl.

11:02 - a discussion about Peyton Manning.

11:05 - coverage of the day's games, complete with references to Brett Favre, Paeyton Manning and and related Patriot's loss.

11:30 - Kenny Mayne does a silly story about Brett favre and Peyton Manning, with a reference to how Eli Manning beat the Patriots in the Superbowl, and so did Brett Favre.

11:45 - A history of Brett favre and Peyton Manning.

11:50 - results from the online poll, What would you pay to see? A Peyton manning Touchdown, a Brett Favre touchdown, or a Patriots loss?

12:00 Tom Jackson does a demonstration on how no one can blitz Brett favre or Payton Manning, complete with a montage of players who have sacked Tom Brady.

12:15 - Cris Carter blows 5 lines of coke off of Chris Berman's thigh.

12:25 - a discussion of how the Patriots have lost a few games this decade and which ones were the most fun to watch.

12:30 - Keyshon Jonson tries to kiss a boy.

12:45 - footage of Peyton Manning and Brett Favre warming up, mixed with footage of Brady being sacked and injured.

12:50 - Cris Carter puts his hands on Tom Jackson for the fiftieth time.

12:55 - Chris Berman ejaculates on a Brett Favre poster.

12:59 - Cris Carter drops his crack-pipe and makes another entertaining ethinic face.

I'm going to go eat my cake.

Da Werld Ceres

2009-10-27T18:04:00.002-04:00

So.

Pedro Martinez will pitch in Game 2 of the Baseball World Series against the Yankees. In Yankee Stadium.

Now, I should hate Pedro Martinez, but I don't. He's a cocky little guy who smiles and somehow manages to keep pitching despite his lack of arm over the last 4 years. He shot his way out of Boston and made a complete pubic hair out of himself in the process. BUT.

Now he's pitching against the Yankees in a World Series. So.

Um.

Vote for Pedro.

The Jose Cuervo Jackass

2009-10-21T18:34:00.002-04:00

Tequilla tastes like gasoline. Good tequilla tastes like high test gasoline. The jackass on the Jose Cuervo commercials tastes like puke in my mouth. I don't drink and haven't for 3 years. And sure, I used to drink tequilla. Lots of it. But this guy...

He's got this tough guy Italian accent. He is, in his own little quaint way, acting like he's the pope of liquor town, complaining about how high priced tequilla is stupid and how awesome and cool he is for drinking bargain brand hooch. In his fancy Italian suit. With his black wingtips, which somehow always make it into the commercial even though he's sitting behind a table.

Seriously. This isn't his actual schpiel, but here's my imitation, in writing:

"Yo. Fancy tequilla is too fancy for my friggin' tastes. I'm just a regula guy who dresses wicked fancy and talks like dis. So, yous guys who drink dat fancy sissy crap are loooosas. I'm a man. I drink dis shit. So should you. Capice? Eh. Drink up, cockknobs! I'm smooth. Ladies? Yeah. Dig me, huh?"

I can hadnle Pepsi going to work on Coke's image to up sales. Pepsi is a soda and it's comparable. I can deal with auto insurance commercials calling other companies out by name. I can stomach fast food chains making fun of each other. Fine. But JOSE CUERVO???

Tequilla is all piss. If you drink urine, and complain that the fancy urine is all velvet ropes and red carpet and that the good old cheap urine is much cooler, you're nuts. You still drink urine. You can wear a nice suit. You can talk like a tough guy, but you still smell like pee pee.

So, here's the fuckyou to the tequilla guy. fuckyou.

Yo, Old People!

2009-10-19T18:36:00.002-04:00

The Jitterbug phone looks like a toilet seat!

Some wireless telephony company thinks...

a. You will buy a phone named Jitterbug because you were a flapper in the roaring twenties.

b. You talk to toilet seats and like taking craps.

c. Need special buttons to dial a phone because you never used a phone with numbers before! DUH DUH DUH!!!

5. You're used to a soft phone, because those rock hard phones broke your cheekbone.

s. Old people hate contracts and would never sign one.

#. You call the operator for any situation you can't handle by your crippled demented self.

Please don't buy the Jitterbug, old people. If you can't figure out these new fangled whatsit phones... DON'T FUCKING BUY ONE! Use your home phone and get life alert.

JITTERBUG IS A CRAPPY FUCK PHONE BACKED BY A MARKETING PLOY OF ZIONIST DEVILS LOOKING TO STEAL YOUR JEWELRY AND EAT YOUR GRANDKIDS!!!

This has been a public service announcement from some guy who writes a dumbass blog.

Last Night at Dr. Murk's

2009-10-18T11:04:00.002-04:00

Joaquin Phoenix tried to kill me.

This Just In...

2009-10-05T21:14:00.005-04:00

Tom Brady still has snakes.

Not to worry, New England.

I have big time bats!

Yes. I admit it. I suffer from bats, big time. I have had big time bats for years now. It's not as bad as having the AIDS or HEP-C (Oh yeah!!!!), but big time bats are a serious problem.

I go to work? Big time bats. I come home. Yup. Still got big time bats. I go swimming... you got it. Big time bats all over the pool, bothering all swimmers. It's not sexy. You ever try to make sweet passion to a lady while your big time bats flare up? It isn't ideal.

And I'm not alone. Many studs have big time bats. Bon Jovi. Ted Dansen. Fredrick Mercury. The list goes on for seconds. So, if you know someone with big time bast, quit laughing. Someday, it may or may not be you or someone you've seen or never heard of. Please. Stop staring.

Fank you.

You Decide

2009-09-23T21:13:00.004-04:00

Lionel Richie

Mohmar Gadhafi

2nd Notification...

2009-09-23T08:08:00.002-04:00

Halsey was Ballsey.

Notification...

2009-09-22T08:04:00.001-04:00

Canadians

09-09-09

2009-09-09T18:45:00.002-04:00

Repetative dates are gay and nothing to get all flushed in the tits about. So what, some freaking numbers line up. I don't care. Quit being so queer and OCD, people. Nothing happened on a date with freaky numbers...

Except 911, which is an emergency phone number and a day of a horrible emergency....

shit.

Choate

2009-09-03T08:22:00.002-04:00

Nobody knows what it means, but I have used that word in the past. Usually I use it to describe objects or things I am not familiar with or can't remember the name of or am just plain hung up on. Usage: "Damn. I'll need to pick up some more choates when I go to the store."

Truth is, I've kinda lifted the word from a street sign, and last night I saw a baseball player from Tampa with that last name. It's out there.

I pronounce it CHote, like oat with an emphasis on the CH. It's a goad word because you can spit it out in venom or just kinda drawl it and it sounds cool. Like, "Hey man, pass me the choates." or "You fucking... CHoate!"

Now, some of you who know me have never heard me use this expression. It's probably because it's rare that I fumble for a name or word. The only person around me enough to hear it is Mrs. Dr. Murk and she detests verbal communication, preferring knives and poison to make a point. BUT, I think I might add this to my regular working vocabulary (sparing those of you who rarely see me, of course, and my loyal dice rolling friends).

You might want to try this word out for yourself. It's fun, easy and has no meaning, therefor is not poluted by our post Obama American jibber jabber.

Good day.

It's Coming Down

2009-08-28T13:37:00.001-04:00

Culture. Life. Music. You got it.

Miracle Whip Will Not Tone It Down

2009-08-25T17:46:00.003-04:00

You heard me! Miracle Whip is its own crazy ass blend of spices and shit and who the fuck are you to tell Miracle Whip what to do? Miracle Whip will not tone it down. So step the fuck off!

Can you tell the new Miracle Whip commercial got me hyped? You bet your clit, fucktoad. I want to dip my dick in a Miracle Whip filled condom and go to town! Oh, that commercial has me amped like a meth kid playing with a car battery. Jesus Christ, I want some Miracle Whip right now...

I've got this great idea for a Miracle Whip commercial as a follow up to the whole 'we won't tone it down' ad campaign.

A woman sits eating a sandwich. A guy comes over and asks her what she's got on her sandwich. Then, two kids in trench coats pop out and shoot her in the face with a gun. Then the guy eats the sanwich. "Miracle Whip will shoot you in the fucking mouth." Then a quick shot of someone cutting a chicken's head off.

We'll show them, Miracle Whip. They'll regret making fun of us!

I have to go. Kicked off the computer again. (will not tone it down)

The Little League World Series Is Gay!

2009-08-24T19:00:00.003-04:00

Okay, not gay as in gay like a fashion show, but gay as in retarded. Okay, not as retarded as those kids with the helmets, but black.

Let me start again.

The COVERAGE of the Little League World Series is gay. In the dog days of summer, there isn't much out there to cover, but give me a fuck slapping break! Kids play little league baseball across America and that's fine. I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT OR WATCH IT!

I could see if it was buried on the alt sports channels or like a 2 second blurb on the local news, but it's everywhere! It was on CNN! WHY??? I mean, Christ, it's like watching a carosel ride or something. What's next? Are we going to watch some douchebag kid making model airplanes? Fuck!

And look, I was a young boy once and yeah ya ya ya and that's great and stuff. But kids that age are fucking lame! I don't need to watch some toe headed inbred hick brat from Georgia cry because he made an error. Boys that age play like female softball players and they bleed like mentruating bitches and sleep with dollies.

It's NOT watchable. I'd rather go get beat up ay a pool hall in Cuba than watch this crap. ENOUGH. It's almost as bad as watching some dude's college wiffle ball game on YouTube...

Don't believe me?

Archibald

2009-08-17T19:13:00.001-04:00

Poor Archibald. He tried to find his missing nephew in Kingsport MA and was DRIVEN INSANE!!!

This video is for him:

Dungeon Ecology 101

2009-08-16T08:58:00.009-04:00

And so begins our fair journey into the land of fantasy, for an exploration of the concept of dungeons and their workings. In order to understand these underworlds, we must first start with the basics.

What is a dungeon and why would we care?

A dungeon is a generic term used to describe any dangerous enclosure. In our real world, there are many places that fit this description. Unfortunately, they are not true dungeons. You see, a true dungeon not only has danger, but a reward usually in the form of gold pieces, treasure, gems, jewelry and magic items. Why else would an adventurer go in? In our world, perhaps the closest thing we have to adventurers and treasure is archaeologists and their digs. Not quite as exciting as a paladin in field plate wielding a holy avenger.

So, why should we care?

If you like the real world of desks and paperwork, you shouldn't care. If you hate this world and like to make up a silly world of halflings, demons and elves to hide in, then you should care very much, because dungeons are the foundation of any fantasy world. I cite examples:

Moria - for those of you born with permanent stuck-uppity literary tastes (or worse, no desire to read), Moria is a giant dwarven stronghold, long abandoned and inhabited by foul things, in J.R.R. Tolkien's 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy. Now, as far back a Beowulf there have been dungeons, but Moria is probably the prototype upon which many of the vast underground complexes found in today's fantasy gaming worlds are based.

The Labyrinth at Knossos - Greek Mythology. Lots of dungeons in there, but who can top a maze with a Minotaur in the middle!!! Come on! Plus Greek Mythology has some serious academic cred. Makes your gaming knowledge look believable and serious.

The Underworld - Found in many cultures, but for variety we can talk Egypt. Think of Isis venturing into the darkest of caves to find the entrance to the underdeep land of the dead to win back the thighbone of her lover, Osiris, to bring him back to life. The highlight of any campaign: resurrection!

The Grail Chapel - Depending on which Arthurian Legend you hold as canon, this is sometimes a cave, sometimes a hidden church, or sometimes and edifice in Petra that somehow leads into a series of traps with convenient word puzzles to save you. Whichever, there's no doubt that the Holy Grail was hidden in a dungeon and guarded by the living dead.

So, you see, dungeons leap out of legend and into the fantasy gaming world with irresistible force. Dungeons are the bread at the feast of gaming. Sure, you can have grand sweeping battles afield, or treks over mountain and under bough, but without dungeons, your players will have nothing to sop up the delicious dregs of your role playing soup.

Let's delve a bit deeper (pun completely intended, but with a very serious purpose) into the practical gaming definition of a dungeon. It has to be enclosed. That means, walls and a ceiling. No roof or walls, then it's ruins. Ruins are good, but they are usually just careless landmarks leading to proper dungeons. Can their be windows? Good question, sword wielder. Yes their can be windows. However, windows should always have some sort of devious purpose which makes the dungeon crawler feel better, but end up worse. Cursed windows serve this purpose well..

Dungeons need danger. What kind of danger? Good question, oathkeeper. Traps and enemies. Traps are any hidden device or structure that does something detrimental to the hero. Good traps do not kill, but merely take away prized possessions or vital stats or limbs. Traps that kill end adventures quick. Better to prolong the magic with traps that would, disarm, un-level, or harm the player. Enemies are hostile creatures, men, women, plants, spirits, mummies (or mummae, if you prefer), and other nasties that are alive or undead, but capable of fighting, eating and giving chase. All enemies should be hell bent on killing the players at all times. Some may use trickery, but players will see through the ruse and just attack enemies anyways, so most times it's better to just jump them right away. Example:

Parth Begallion is an 8th level fighter illusionist. he has seen many a dark day underneath the ground fighting the denizens of evil with his wand of fury and his great mace of cleaving. He encounters an old man sitting on a petrified stump in the middle of the stonewood, a local chain of dungeons filled with an underground forest. Parth sees the old man, who waves kindly to him and beckons him over.

"Okay, what is the old man wearing?" Parth's player asks. "Does he have a staff? What color are his eyes? I'm looking for scars. Do I sense any evil from him? I cast know mind, but I do it secretly so he doesn't know I'm casting a spell. Does he notice I'm casting a spell? Ah! He has spellcraft and must be a wizard! Why would an old wizard be sitting in the middle of the stoneforest waving nicely at me??? I attack."

You see, in the player's mind, anything alive in a dungeon is evil. That's true, because if it is alive... why would it choose to live in a dungeon? It has to be evil.

Okay, so after the enemies and traps are resolve, what be the reward? Come on. Dungeons aren't player magnets because they've got sexy legs. What's in it for them? Usually, magic items and treasure will suffice. In some high fallutin campaigns, characters have feelings and crap and so we can have the old 'vengeance' or 'quest for knowledge' or 'free the slaves' type reward, but it's not usually a good idea. Players, no matter how good their intentions upon entering a dungeon, will feel ripped off without treasure. But how much? Enough for repairs, lodging and a few slaves. Give one to three magic items per player, mostly potions and you're good.

And of course, always leave one item or clue on how to find the next dungeon.

Well, now that you now a bit about dungeons, we can move on to some of the more important questions concerning dungeon ecology. Questions like:

How did the dungeon get there?
Why did the enemies move in?
How do they survive there when players clearly could not?
What don't enemies fight each other, only players?
How did the treasure get there?

All in due time, my intrepid friends...

Until the next lesson, be at peace and rest in safety for the night. For no evil passes the doors of this Inn. I think.

Murk

The Wright Brothers, Space and The Germans

2009-08-06T19:26:00.002-04:00

How did we get to the moon? On a balsa wood and paper kite. Back up.

A long time ago, people found out that stuff lighter than water floats. Then, people found out that stuff lighter than air flies. But but... birds aren't lighter than air! They fly! WHAT THE FUCK??? Oh... Air is a substance we can push on...

Yeah. Wind pushed us. If you shoot air out the end of a balloon, it flies off. Rockets. pressurized gas pushing on the earth and the air beneath... lifting...

The Wright Brothers got it. Make a large surface. Raise the air pressure beneath. It will lift heavy objects. From their we thought about space. But wait. There's no air in space. No problem, bro. See, the germans were sickos during WWII and didn't mind running crazy experiments on people. They made expensive pressure chambers and tested them on humans to see... well, what would happen. Also, they had rockets. Rockets went very high up into the air... to the edge of space.

But sooner or later, the smart people (scientists) in germany realized that the Nazis were going to kill almost everyone and so they left and went out into the US desert. First, they applied their huge brains to winning the big war. Then, they all went to NASA and the Air Force.

Next thing you know, we're in space.

Backstory:

The idea of going into space was contemplated by scientists for a very long time before we became technichally advanced enough to do so. Literally, our ability to manipulate had to catch up with our ability to think. The theories were there and ready to be tested as soon as the machinists could make the instruments precise enough to build the devices. Let's put it this way, the theory was ready around 1923. It took 40 odd years to get the devices to implement the theory.

The same is true of our technology today. We are living in a world designed 40 years ago. In 1969. The theory of 1969 is the reality of today. And in 1969 humans landed on the moon based on theories from 40 years before that.

Now, look at the theories scientists are working on today. Set your watch. And wait 40 years. You think we've got weird shit going onin 2009? Oh. Just wait.

By the way, you might live a lot longer than you think. Just ask the people from the 1920s that are still around...

Demons

2009-08-04T14:55:00.002-04:00

People don't believe in demons and rightly so. There are no other planar entities that come to our planet to make with the mischief on humankind. However, let's not dump on the old traditions wholesale. There's always a shred of truth to any old superstition or practice.

People become engrossed in thinking. They crave ideas and look to find new ones, new solutions, new ways of coping with life. Eventually, some ideas become so ingrained that they take over the normal behavior patterns of people. Now, speculation about mental illness being the cause of 'demons' is nothing new. That's not what I'm suggesting.

The world was thought to be positively infested by spirits and demons before the age of reasons. everything had a sort of spirit or soul to it. people were adamant about that. We tend to toss out these old ideas as stupidity. No no. They might not be true, but the ideas didn't come out of nowhere. People used spirits to explain a heck of a lot of things. Foul moods, ilnesses, bad weather, you name it.

But it all came back to human perception. The world itself happens of its own volition. We watch it and assign meaning. Why did we make demons? To explain bad events or really weird behavior. Why demons? It's human nature to see evil, hear evil, speak evil and do evil. But why admit that? So, we take the human traits we despise, make them stronger, supernatural, then we layer them over our world.

Every bad idea, every crime, every disgusting thought lurches forth to our minds and then we roll them into a hideous creature with other worldly power and then we have the demon.

We know they're not real.

Fine.

But the events and behaviors we attributed to demons are still there.

So.

There's no supernatural power that's causing these behaviors and events, but they still happen...

I think I like blaming the demon better than the alternative.

Begin Transmission...

2009-07-27T16:44:00.003-04:00

I sat outside today on a plastic lawn chair. I had an iced coffee near me and a smoke. I looked at the sky and remembered. That's what I wanted all along. A view of the blue summer sky, a cool drink, and a moment to myself where I just stopped and looked at the clouds. Something happened.

I have a chair on a piece of land I own and I sat in it looked up at the sky and realized....

I could take five minutes of every day and make it mine. I saw this!

It was just enough.

me

Yes, but have you seen THIS?

Okay, some people find the blue sky thrilling, some find a thrill in a virtual worldracing o my god thatissofuckingawesomeHOWTHETHXSOUNDJUSTSHOOKMYFUCKINGHOUSEWHEN IPLAYEDTHATTRAILER!!!!!!

Harvard v. Cambridge

2009-07-24T10:38:00.001-04:00

I don't have all the facts, and I don't care to. Henry Louis Gates takes on the LAW and I like it! Here's my take:

A professor at Harvard breaks into his own house. Someone calls the police. They ask him to identify himself and step outside. he refuses and lectures them about being a black man in America. Awesome.

I've broken into my own house hundreds of times. Sometimes I lock myself out. Sometimes it's to test my security. Sometimes for fun and sometimes for insurance fraud. No fucking badge is going to come and bust my nuts in my own home, especially if I magically become black overnight.

You all know I think racial bullshit is overplayed and I don't give a damn what happened to you because of your ethnicity and it's no excuse for any behavior outside of the bounds of the law. BUT, this guy was within his rights. Did he have to pull an attitude? No. But God bless the little bastard for doing it.

I could care less about his rights as a black man ( a wealthy black man at that). I care about his rights as a citizen. I think he played the race card and got nasty on purpose so they would arrest him and he could get some face on the TV, and that's a little weak, but I'd give some sass to a Blue Boy if he jumped me in my own crib.

Now, if he were speeding or beating his wife or boyfriend or a dog, no. That's when you get polite. Nice officer. Always good to poor Murk! Niiiiice master! But... MY HOUSE! Show a warrant, or make an arrest if you think I don't belong there and I'll see you in court, Jiffy Cop!

In fairness, Police have a rough job, even in Cambridge. They deserve respect. But so do we. You want to be a hardass and take someone downtown for locking themselves out of their house and mouthing off, do it. Go ahead. But I think every citizen has the right to kick people out of their house, even in a rude manner, even a Police Officer, if they haven't broken the law.

For the record, I am not a Democrat. I dislike liberal whining. But I believe in freedom. Especially in our own homes.

The last word: Obama should stay the fuck out of it. A simple "I don't have enough information to comment on that", especially when he needed to talk health care, would have been better. That and he needs to learn the difference between the articles 'a' and 'an', and the rules for when to use which one.

Murk signing off.

I Wonder...

2009-07-22T10:51:00.004-04:00

Naw. I don't wonder. I worry. Naw, too soft a phrase. I pity the human race and myself and State Police Jesus and Uncle Freddy.

We are grunting shit factories with bad attitudes. There is nothing redeeming or noble about being a human being. We're fucking animals. There's no magic or mystery. We're diseased eat/sleep/fuck machines just like the rest of nature only we try to hide it and that makes us EVIL as all fuckout.

Worse, we are self aware. Too self aware. Now granted, it seems that the 'lower life forms' have little regard for their own kind as far as courtesy or sharing except out of a genetic drive to propagate the species, but we humans are aware of ourselves, that there are others that share our horrible condition (humanity), and we make fully conscious choices to ignore, exploit and worsen this condition for others.

Even the few of us that try, on occasion to provide relief, find the conditioning of life too much to resist. We give, others take, and we get little back so we stop giving. Or worse, we become incapable of seeing the open giving of others and even learn to resent help. In short, one has to be willing to give, overlook slights, acknowledge the help of others without resent, be conscious of when we refuse to give and try to make amends, all for the general good only to have the majority of people overlook what we do, and sometimes even abuse our generosity.

And when we can't give and others need us, but we're in a bind and find ourselves incapable of helping others, and those that need us most forget all the times we've been there for them and helped out and they've overlooked their own lack of compassion towards us and turn bitter and flippant towards us, we have to move on and remind ourselves that maybe what they're going through is worse than what we are. You never know.

And then there are times when we are forced to ask for help and greeted with anger. Maybe people hate weakness or maybe they are just too selfish and can't bother to be slightly inconvenienced. And not just strangers we ask for help, but friends.

Now this is Dr. Murk taking to you, so those of you that have helped me, past present and future can exempt yourself from my angst. Most of you know because I've thanked you or will thank you when I get to it. If you're not sure which category you fall in, feel free to pick a category for yourself because you're probably okay. Most of those who I'm cranked at don't even read this. So why bother?

Hey, fuck all I just think it needs to be said on my behalf, my wife's behalf, my family and a few close friends in tough times right now too. I hear so many shitty stories about how people I love are being treated. feel free to sign this with a comment and stand up for yourself if you agree.

If you disagree, hey that's you and you're lucky and I hope it never comes back on you like it's come back on me.

/end rant

You Wanted Mor Cees????

2009-07-21T09:12:00.002-04:00

So, the Chicago Bulls (the team of Joey Polanski) waive forward Tim Thomas on my father's birthday, July 14th. They bought out his $6.8 million dollar contract because due to some identity issues, the only played in 18 games last year. Well, before that he was averaging about 11 points a game and rebounds pretty well and was, I remember, a good shot blocker.

The Celtics, having aquired Rasheed Wallace and more recently Marquise Daniels, still have (I believe) one veteran minimum to hand out. Thomas has already been paid in his buyout. He's a six eleven power forward who plays with energy and a chip on his shoulder. Why the hell not? Come on over Timmy!

Here's the starting lineup:

Rondo
Allen
Pierce
Garnett
Perkins

Then off the bench

some point guard
Eddie House
Maquise Daniels
Glen 'Big Baby' Davis
Rasheed Wallace

Then, in come Tim Thomas to fuck with some people's heads, grab some garbage boards and score like 6 buckets.

That's an 11 man rotation (something Doc Rivers loves and won a championship with, EVEN in the playoff playing 10 guys a game sometimes), and their all scorers. Throw in Bill Walker as your twelve, send Gabe Pruit to Atlanta and get that project kid they drafted (whatever his waste of a name was) down to the D leaugue and now you've got a squad.

Don't enjoy Celtics talk? Well, here's something for you non sports fans.

Suck my dick.

Malach's Hot Juicy Beef

2009-07-19T18:32:00.002-04:00

So, Malach the Merciless made prime rib. Now, I am never one to doubt the cooking ability of the illustrious Bistro King Malach, but prome rib is easy to fuck up, and it goes in grade. I've had beef too dry, not cooked enough, over seasoned, just off, gamey, squished, watered down and just crap bland. Then, sometimes you get a decent cut, well cooked, nicely seasoned, a good treat.

AND THEN, there's Malach's Prime Rib. Boring back story: there used to be a place called Costa's Family Restaurant that served prime rib by the ton and it was the best the best the best ever hands down no substitutes and no immitations accepted. As far as I recall, Malach has attempted Prime Rib maybe onve or twice and I did not sample it. So, this was a bit of what the chess playing world would be a novelty.

It came into the house (yes, he delivered it to a party for some really old dude we know called 'Dad' or something), and he unveiled it. I try never to make snap jusdements based solely on looks, or aroma or even looks and aroma... but man o man... like the wise woman at the front of the chow line said, we were on it like vultures.

Look. I barely eat now. I've become one of those min calorie people. Maybe 1000 on a really low day because it makes me feel better than pigging out, but when I get a hankering for something, I dive in.

I took the biggest slice, and half of Mrs. Dr. Murk's slice when she was too full to continue. This was beef folks. Pure and simple. Prime Rib of Beef, the King's Request meal and it was beyond perfect. It made Costa's taste like old shoe leather dipped in shit.

My specialty is staight fire BBQ wings and people rave over them. This was one notch UP from my wings. Not down, UP. My wife can outcook me in most areas, but my wings kick her ass up and down the block with a size 15 lead boot, and this Prime Rib beat my wings. I will even introduce myself to people in public and admit this because the beef was so savory I'm ashamed that my dirty mouth, my unworthy filth hole even ate it. I degraded the meat by even thinking I was worthy to taste it.

Normally I'm a cuss and will trash anyone and anything in my way, but I can't. I can't even pretend to be slightly unimpressed. Awesome. Much like me, Awesome. I can now rest for the night knowing God has not abandoned us.