In life, we are forced to make many choices. The choices we make place us on the ladder of success. Most people agree that you can't objectively measure a person's success by their occupation alone.
Bullshit.
Using my patented 28 step divisional substrate process, I hace managed to piece together a hierarchy of beings. Yeah, sure, we all know that Lawyers, Doctors and President Obama are on the bottom. But who is on top and why?
7. Vampyres - Coming in dead last out of our top seven beings of all time are vampyres. Scary. Charming. Scary. Cute. Fightening and gross. Vampyres have it all over you. They are the best of the best, except for numbers 6 through 1.
6. Pirate - A pirate could easily kill a vampyre with a sword. You can't believe everything you read. Why so low on the charts? Hey, six is pretty good, you mangy African cocksuckers. When you see who ranky higher, you'll learn better. Pirates, way cool, but calm the fuck down.
5. Dinosaurs - Now, I know what you're thinking... YES!!!! This rocks! I know! Dinos are so fucking huge and tramplicious that they have to be on this list, easting and stomping everything below including firemen and cheesecake makers. BOOM BOMM BOMM! REEEEOOOAAAAAR!!!! Crunch crunch crunh.
4. Clowns - Including mimes. This is where faith comes in. Kinda like faith in an invisible fairy that waits around for you to summon it to do your bidding. But where there is faith, there is proof. A clown could stop a dinosaur with a sub-machine gun or his dick. If it's a girl mime, she could nag it with confusing hand gestures of doom.
4a. - Muppets
3. Ninjas - I know, I know, like the dinosaurs, right? We all know about ninjas. I don't even have to cite the hundreds of masters in America or those movies with the guy who cuts that mutherfucker's throat. Nijas are tough to beat. You go to punch them, they're not there. You got to read the paper, they force open your mouth and spit poison in. It's that simple.
2. Ghosts - Even ninjas have fears. A ghost is like a nija you just can't fuck with because ghosts don't give a fucking fuck. They're ethereal, man. Don't you get it? Ninja ain't killing that shit! And who do you think makes all those ghosts? Ninjas. Who are the ghosts pissed at? Ninjas. Now you're cooking with sake, Waki-san. Hiya!
1. Muhammad - Follow me here. First off, he's dead, therefore a ghost. That bumps him to number 2. Also, he commands an army of human sand fleas that will kill in his name just for some tail in the afterlife. He's like Sgt. Rock with invisibility and an RPG with unlimited charges. He is like the numbah won ghost king and he's pissed off all the time. He'd kill the Buddha and nail Jesus back up on the cross and yell "Stay there until I say you can come back down."
Well, that concludes this braodcast. I'm just letting a muthafucker know what's up.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Disease
If you ever get a disease, it's your fault.
These people list a few, which I'll use to demonstrate the validity of my theory.
10
Gulf War Syndrome
Stay the fuck out of the Middle East, dummy.
9
Twentieth-Century Disease
Also known as multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS).
You shouldn't be touching things.
8
Stiff Person Syndrome
Never try to do shit.
7
Morgellons Disease
Morgellons disease is characterized by symptoms including crawling, biting, and stinging sensations. You have crabs or bed lice. Dirty fucker.
6
Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome
Lay off the booze and burritos, amigo.
5
Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity
You said yes to the aliens.
4
Nodding Disease
Kiss ass.
3
Peruvian Meteorite Illness
Stay the fuck out of PERU and don't fuck with meteors.
2
The Sweating Sickness
Lose weight and stop eating fried food, fatty.
1
Exploding Head Syndrome
LSD will do that, you know. So will a lot of other drugs.
These people list a few, which I'll use to demonstrate the validity of my theory.
10
Gulf War Syndrome
Stay the fuck out of the Middle East, dummy.
9
Twentieth-Century Disease
Also known as multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS).
You shouldn't be touching things.
8
Stiff Person Syndrome
Never try to do shit.
7
Morgellons Disease
Morgellons disease is characterized by symptoms including crawling, biting, and stinging sensations. You have crabs or bed lice. Dirty fucker.
6
Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome
Lay off the booze and burritos, amigo.
5
Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity
You said yes to the aliens.
4
Nodding Disease
Kiss ass.
3
Peruvian Meteorite Illness
Stay the fuck out of PERU and don't fuck with meteors.
2
The Sweating Sickness
Lose weight and stop eating fried food, fatty.
1
Exploding Head Syndrome
LSD will do that, you know. So will a lot of other drugs.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Coming Soon...
The return of the most offensive man on the internet.
After a planned extended cooldown of Dr. Murk's blog and his mind, and with the recent run on his sanity almost completed (ending in madness, assuredly), I will be making my triumphant return to teh interwebs with all sorts of really terrible and insulting gimmicks.
This blog is almost dead (what 2 readers) and so I'll be making a grand opening somewhere else. This blog will serve as an adendum or like an appendix for people who need clarification or wish to comment on the other blog.
And, because you're lazy, most of it will be 1 minute audio and video clips that play right in your browser or links to you tube posts etc. All will be Murk originals or Murk Cheap Rip Offs, or literally, just crap with commentary. So, buckle up America and Sudan. This time, it's my job.
Mr. President Head
After a planned extended cooldown of Dr. Murk's blog and his mind, and with the recent run on his sanity almost completed (ending in madness, assuredly), I will be making my triumphant return to teh interwebs with all sorts of really terrible and insulting gimmicks.
This blog is almost dead (what 2 readers) and so I'll be making a grand opening somewhere else. This blog will serve as an adendum or like an appendix for people who need clarification or wish to comment on the other blog.
And, because you're lazy, most of it will be 1 minute audio and video clips that play right in your browser or links to you tube posts etc. All will be Murk originals or Murk Cheap Rip Offs, or literally, just crap with commentary. So, buckle up America and Sudan. This time, it's my job.
Mr. President Head
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Mind Shark
I'm reading a book. The Raw Shark Texts. It's odd, but a lot of the ideas in it are mine. The author could not have known this. I have yet to speak of them or write them down. The way that the human mind works is in concert with its environment and within society. So, it's no surprise that in the information age, two people had the same idea that information itelf might be alive and possibly conscious.
In the book, the information takes on a sort of physical body to do its work. Bad work. Evil work. Leeching off the minds of people, eating their personalities and memories. My idea, though no less sinister, is more psychological in nature.
Take the song that gets stuck in your head. It's in your neurons. It's lodged there, somehow. Phrases in language become part of the lexicon, sticking in our minds and taking over space in our reality. Even our wants and needs are ideas. We don't spend most of our day hunting and gathering anymore, and so the needs become more materialistic or cerebral. They're in our head.
Addiction is a physical need coupled with a psychological fixation on some object of desire. Everyone is mildly addicted to something. They answer a deep seated craving that they believe will fill a need by seeking their object of desire. A drink. A new gadget. A victory in a sport or game.
In many of us, we become slave to this desire, this addiction.
Sometimes, it's not an addiction, but an ideology that gets stuck in our heads. We believe in one way of living or thinking or acting and we stick to it. Sometimes, we defend it or fight for it. We start wars for them.
In the age of information, a curious new form of fixation has come. Ideas and concepts that mean very little, but occupy our minds as fiercely as any addiction. Memes. Not th corney 50 question memes, but the weird viral packets of self replicating information we pass along.
They work like jokes. You hear a joke, you tell it to another. But these aren't jokes. They're bits of information, easily spread through the open media sources like the internet or text messages or phones. Some are true, some are false. Some survive and breed, some don't and there's not much but informational darwinism that decides which make it and which don't.
Advertisers have taken advantage of this for close to 50 years. Bombard a population with messages until one stick. Ba da ba ba ba! I'm lovin' it! HUH??? Why that?
But the new form of meme is not designed with a product in mind. It's not even designed. Someone pits a bit of information up on a site and people get infected with it. LOL Catz, for instance.
Some are more dangerous. Snopes, the debunking site, is filled with page after page debunking some of these memes. Rumors, medical warnings, political sabotage, urban legends, lifestyle warnings. Dure, these things have always existed, but...
It used to be for a meme to take hold it had to spread person to personin daily contact. Only the strongest ones survived and lasted. Things like "It's every person's dream to get married and own a house."
Now, anyone can write something or film something and put it up on the internet and it can spread. This new informational medium allows alternet informational viruses to spread and find spots in our brain.
The danger is real. It might have already happened. The right combination of ideas, visuals and words might be enough to infect a population. I'll leave that open for your interpretation.
In the book, the information takes on a sort of physical body to do its work. Bad work. Evil work. Leeching off the minds of people, eating their personalities and memories. My idea, though no less sinister, is more psychological in nature.
Take the song that gets stuck in your head. It's in your neurons. It's lodged there, somehow. Phrases in language become part of the lexicon, sticking in our minds and taking over space in our reality. Even our wants and needs are ideas. We don't spend most of our day hunting and gathering anymore, and so the needs become more materialistic or cerebral. They're in our head.
Addiction is a physical need coupled with a psychological fixation on some object of desire. Everyone is mildly addicted to something. They answer a deep seated craving that they believe will fill a need by seeking their object of desire. A drink. A new gadget. A victory in a sport or game.
In many of us, we become slave to this desire, this addiction.
Sometimes, it's not an addiction, but an ideology that gets stuck in our heads. We believe in one way of living or thinking or acting and we stick to it. Sometimes, we defend it or fight for it. We start wars for them.
In the age of information, a curious new form of fixation has come. Ideas and concepts that mean very little, but occupy our minds as fiercely as any addiction. Memes. Not th corney 50 question memes, but the weird viral packets of self replicating information we pass along.
They work like jokes. You hear a joke, you tell it to another. But these aren't jokes. They're bits of information, easily spread through the open media sources like the internet or text messages or phones. Some are true, some are false. Some survive and breed, some don't and there's not much but informational darwinism that decides which make it and which don't.
Advertisers have taken advantage of this for close to 50 years. Bombard a population with messages until one stick. Ba da ba ba ba! I'm lovin' it! HUH??? Why that?
But the new form of meme is not designed with a product in mind. It's not even designed. Someone pits a bit of information up on a site and people get infected with it. LOL Catz, for instance.
Some are more dangerous. Snopes, the debunking site, is filled with page after page debunking some of these memes. Rumors, medical warnings, political sabotage, urban legends, lifestyle warnings. Dure, these things have always existed, but...
It used to be for a meme to take hold it had to spread person to personin daily contact. Only the strongest ones survived and lasted. Things like "It's every person's dream to get married and own a house."
Now, anyone can write something or film something and put it up on the internet and it can spread. This new informational medium allows alternet informational viruses to spread and find spots in our brain.
The danger is real. It might have already happened. The right combination of ideas, visuals and words might be enough to infect a population. I'll leave that open for your interpretation.
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