The Secret Advice

Often I am asked to call upon my life wisdom to help people. Besides my brother Malach, most of my friends are my age or younger and haven't quite settled down yet. Well, there's Spacefarmer, but he's like a bizzaro world Murk and only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

My friends often ask me about marriage, work, bills, stress, aging, health and wellness. I know I know. It's unfair for them to beat themselves up for not being me. Anyways, I do have one piece of wisdom that will benefit anyone who's not already settled in life:

A house is nothing but and entropy factory. By this, I mean, a house is less a shelter and more an aprenticeship in house fixing, house cleaning and storage maximization. You also get a minor is interior decorating and recreational management.

In short, buy a condo.

Why?

Because. Now, get a nice one with central air, lots of light and some measure of privacy. Here's the dirt: They fix and clean everything except the interior walls, ceiling and floor finish. They even mow the lawn. Who's they? A property management company.

Also, condos are cheaper and usually have ammenities like washer and dryer room, excercise space and sometimes a pool.

Often in my merry way of blogging I mention the Palatial Estate. It's half joke, half true. It's huge. Got a good plot of land. All sorts of nicey nice dog stuff. Bigger means more work. And with the economy the way it is, I had to cut the maintenance staff. I even had to cancel my massage therapist.

So, when Mrs. Dr. Murk discovers a defect in the plumbing (kitchen drain, luckily not toilet) I am forced to swing the hefty wrench. This is in addition to flaw after flaw after flaw I've had to fix since we bought the house. I just did a brief total of costs, not including labor: $40,000. Papa Murk will insist I exaggerate, so I itemize:

Septic System: $15,000
Water Heater: $1,000
Furnace: $3000
Floors: $7000
Pellet Stove: $2000
Appliances: $5000
Spray Lawn: $2000
Furniture etc: $5000

And that's a lowball.

Even new house have problems. In fact, new houses have lots of problems for the first ten years.

So, If you own a house, cry with me. If you don't learn from me.

Voodoo Economics

This government bailout has me steamed. I know there was no way around it, but still. Everyone gets a $2300 tax hike so some banker can get a golden parachute. And most of these bad banks will still fail. Too much bad paper out there. These notes on houses won't pay themselves and the bailout will barely cover the three months of interest these banks have to pay to the international consortiums.

Once that runs out, the bad notes are still there. What will turn banking around between now and then? Confidence in the baking and lending system is at an all time low. Bernake and Paulson keep cutting rates (check their party affiliations before you point at the GOP).

The economy needs a rate hike. A one year plan to raise rates up two points. This will create an artificial recession which will be much better than the actual one we are in and heading deeper into.

So, float the banks a loan, hike the rates half a point a month. Suck the breath out of Wall Street. Add value by lowering stock prices and raising interest bearing accounts. Temporarily suspend any change to the tax code. Tie American dollars to the Euro. Lastly, fire Bernake and Paulson.

And, sadly, elect Barack Obama. Not because he's the right choice, but because of a comfort factor that will ease fears, open wallets and improve foreign exchange.

Look on the bright side. Japan had to do the exact same thing and they survived it.

AND, yes... it is time to end our occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. Take the savings and increase homeland security. Don't touch military spending, but direct it back where it belongs, here in our nation, protecting our nation.

Welcome to the United States of France...

The Binary Code

Zeros and ones.

The New Podcast

The Murk and Malach Show makes a return today. Links:

http://third-option.com/podcasts/mmshow.html

Enjoy

Unsolicited Fighting Championship

It takes my brain a while to put very large ideas together. So, it's no surprise that it's taken me so long to figure out why UFC stuff bugs me. I'm not concerned by the violence or the effect on young people or the fighters. I love watching, understanding and practicing fighting. I'll never know why. I'm not a bully ot tough guy. I don't get into fights ever. I just like to know my limits and my expectations if things get dangerous.

BUT, what if someone decided to take UFC to the streets? Ah. My opinion is that MMA professionals would, yes, mop the floor with people like me. But what if they hit that one guy that was just a freaking nutbag street guy?

So, I propose the Unsolicited Street Fighting Championship.

If you see a MMA dude walking around, sucker punch him. Throw a rock at him. Toss him through a windshield. I wanna see it. I want to see what these guys could do in a regular situation where some speed freak breaks a bottle on their head. You heard me.

Well, come on. Isn't that what it's all about? It's a tough guy thing to do. They fight. Let them eat cake. I want to see it. Bats, crains, garden tools, bring the plumbing stuff. Pure machismo.

No?

Then stop pretending UFC is a valid event.

Thank you.

I've Tried...

I can't stand Barack Obama. I just plain don't like the man. The same way I plain don't like George Bush. I'll go as far as to say, he's the Black Democratic George Bush. His sound bites contain horrible grammar, made up words, practiced slogans a rhetoric with no substance.

"cheerleaded" is not a word, Senator Obama.

"The McCain-[Sarah] Palin ticket, they don't want to debate the Obama-Biden ticket on issues because they are running on eight more years of what we've just seen. And they know it," the Democratic presidential nominee said. "As a consequence, what they're going to spend the next seven, eight weeks doing is trying to distract you."

Distract us from your lack of experience and voting record? Distract us from your anti-American statements, your gender bashing, your character flaws, your past drug use and your muslim roots?

"They're going to talk about pigs, and they're going to talk about lipstick; they're going to talk about Paris Hilton, they're going to talk about Britney Spears. They will try to distort my record, and they will try to undermine your trust in what the Democrats intend to do."

How could that trust ever be undermined? They only people voting for you are Democrats, who don't care who you are or what you stand for, only that you get elected. Independents are considering you. Moderates dislike you. Christians don't trust you.

And if you honestly think your ten second sound bite sums up the next seven months, that the Republican Party is that stupid as to talk about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears for seven months, you are an ass. Plus, those irrelevant things were all created by YOU, you freaking moron. You mean no one in your campaign heard Sarah Palin make her 'lipstick' comment and warned you that the 'lipstic on a pig' comment could be misconstrued? You honestly think we're dumb enough to not pick up on it? Then, you want to say 'oh, no fair, I didn't mean her!'. Bullshit, you Misoginist. The whole phrase 'lipstick on a pig' is sexist in its implications.

I'm tired of this blackballing. Who does he think he is. Vinny Del Negro? He's a slave to his party. We're not getting caught up in this political lynching, this tar pit politics, this black as night, fist bumping terrorist crap.

And I didn't mean any of that they way it sounded. It wasn't about that crybaby Barack Obama, it was about his economic policy or something else not related to him directly, because I run a clean campaign here.

Freak.

Reader Response

Yes, I still get emails, but most of them are either too serious or complaints. Here's a fun one:

Dear Dr. Murk,

You ever wonder why some guys use only their zipper when taking a piss and some guys open up and pull down?

Chauncey


Well, Chauncey, I have a few theories. A little background for the penis deprived, first. Ladies, men don't even have to unbutton their pants to pee. They can unzip, work the underwear flap, exctract pink fun stick and go. But, this can be a delicate arraingement. There's crimping the flow, poor extension leading to front wetting, splashback and zipper safety to consider.

One way of avoiding these complications is to just pull down, fire and forget. I favor this method for simplicity and because I yank down to the knees in public bathrooms to scare a two urinal space around me. Oddly, some other men find this a challenge and stand right next to me and pull down to the knees. This usually leads to some fun conversations like, "Man, you are hung like a mammoth!" "Thanks. You got a lucky wife too, I see."

But for some, discretion is the better part of valour. In other words, they are ashamed of their lower being. They figure, if we only see a little mushroom cap peeking out that it's their pants fault. Usually it's TDS.

Which leads to the heart of my theory. Zippers are standard on most pants, even women's pants. They were designed to aid in the wearing and removal of pants. They are not a ninja door for your purple helmeted soldier. I try not to sneak willy past anything metal with teeth.

I suppose you could say it takes bravery to put your rose coloured tree of defilement in harms way for the sake of modesty and social order, but aren't we just making excuses for more confining societal rules about public exposure? I say what makes it indecent is that other people refuse to look! Look what I have, dammit! Look on it and tremble!

So, fairies pee through the zipper, men yank and spray.

Koan

A "pagan" asked Buddha, "With words, with silence, will you tell me (the Way)?" Buddha silently kept meditating. The "pagan" bowed and thanked the Buddha, saying, "With the compassion you have cleared away the clouds of my mind and have made me enter into the awakening." After he left, Ananda asked the Buddha what he had attained. The Buddha said, "A good horse runs even a shadow of the whip."

Unpredictable Life

In accordance with divine providence, I have withdrawn from worldy issues and will only speak in zen koans.

Nothing is true or false to a dead man.