A Nostalgic Orange

In the 1980s, a shopping mall was a dark place. No, these malls weren't the soaring glass wonders of today, merely a collection of stores in one place connected by giant tunnel hallways. In the center of these majestic aisles of capitalism stood the kiosk. Places like Earing Hut, Magic Cookie, T-Shirt Heaven and The Hat Rack.

But the best kiosk of all was the mighty Orange Julius. Take one blender, a quart of orange juice, a cup of half and half, ice and a half a cup of sugar. Turn on blender. Drink. Ha ha. Ha ha. It's a frost creamsicle in a cup! Genius! Plus, hot dogs if you want them.

The Orange Julius is steeped in mystery. Something happens to the contents when mixed that makes the whole greater than the sum of the parts. This is something which I've poured a ton of money into, attempting to crack the secrets of the dairy/citrus coallation and the sugar ratio. I have yet to crack the code, but I've come close. The benefit has been some of the incidental discoveries along the way.

Some Orange Julius research facts:

- Jesus did not drink wine at the last supper. He requested an Orange Julius. Unfortunately, there were no Orange Julius stands at the time and they made him a fig/goatmilk concoction, after wich he turned to Judas and said "Quickly. Do what you must do." The dissapointment was too great.

- O.J. Simpson, burdened by carrying the monicker of the divine nectar, killed his wife.

- It is not the 'orange', but the 'julius' that provides the ram in the battery of the drink.

- Milk cannot be combined with most beverages.

- People with few or no teeth can drink an Orange Julius.

- Sugar is necessary. Splenda is SATAN!

- General George Patton conquored in the name of Orange Julius before he was ordered to cut it out and win the damn war, which he refused to do until he was guaranteed a lifetime supply of Orange Julius. He died shortly thereafter. God cannot love a man with unlimited Orange Julius. See you in hell, Goerge.

- The first cure for Siamese Twins was to have an Orange Julius and deal with it.

- It is proper and preferred to use a straw when drinking an Orange Julius. The leavings of, ice, diluted sugar, cream and orange juice, reffered to a 'schlag', is better than any drink in the world except for a fresh Orange Julius.

- The French 'Jiolios Orange' failed due to stupidity, not the drink.

- Hamlet's last line was originally, "Alack, I am removed of my Orange Julius!" is frequently ommited due to time constraints. This is largely considered Shakespear's greatest failing, sometime corrected by dropping Hamlet's queer soliloquies.

- Orange Julius won the WBA Heavyweight Championship in 1983, but was later stripped of the title due to blatant over-awesomeness.

To learn more about Orange Julius, go fuck yourself.