Barackity Brak

I recently had an opportunity to interview Jerry Pocket of CNN (The Barack Network) about the polling information on his show.

Murk: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: HA!

Murk: So, you have quite a bit of polling information on your network.

Jerry: Yes. If you look at the numbers, as of last week, we have Barack Obama in the lead by at least double digits.

Murk: Uh. Leading what?

Jerry: Everything.

Murk: Everything?

Jerry: That's right. Except in situations where leading is bad. Example, four out of five Americans say John McCain is leading in the age department.

Murk: Well, he is. So 1 out of five thinks Barack is older?

Jerry: That's according to the data. It's more likely that the 1 in 5 represents a small majority who become dumbfounded when they hear how awesome Barack Obama is. Everyone is doing it.

Murk: So you have Obama leading in every poll that favors him?

Jerry: Except the ones that don't, like in the Idiot States. Montana, Alabama, and a few others. But people in those states wanna vote for Jesus and marry their sisters! I mean... eheh hehe, how reliable are they?

Murk: So, because they are stupid, we should ignore their vote?

Jerry: 5 out of 5 Americans agree with that.

Murk: You mean all of them?

Jerry: Technically, yes.

Murk: How large was your sample for these polls?

Jerry: Oh. Huge. Massive. Everyone.

Murk: You can't poll everyone.

Jerry: We don't have to. It was obvious real quick that Obama Barack is now president. 105% of Americans know for certain that Barack Obamaq will tuck them in at night, via live broadcast. The numbers are over the top, but absolutely true.

Murk: Surely there has to be some dissention...

Jerry: Oh, like the Klan? Or that redneck who votes for Jesus and thinks he's Hitler?

Murk: I was thinking Republicans.

Jerry: Right. ZING! You've got a point. Republicans like war because innocent people die. They hate the innocent. Pol Pot. Republican. Mitt Romney. Judas. Baby killers.

Murk: I'm a bit concerned that your polling might be biased.

Jerry: Not according to our polls. It's easy to see that people rely on CNN for their truth news true true polls about Barack O'Awesome for President, no Dick Cheney McCainey! Ha ha. True.

Murk: Could you explain the demographics of your polls?

Jerry: Well, we set up a hotline. It's advertised on all of Obama's sites. Call in and vote early. You can vote like fifty million times. Besides, the Bush Administration sucks! ROCK THE VOTE LITTLE PEOPLE!!!!

Murk: Didn't you guys have Howard Dean ahead last time?

Jerry: Living in the past! Wake up. It's a Barack Obama kinda day! WE WIN!!!!

Murk: In one of the questions, you ask who would do a better job managing the economy...

Jerry: Obama.

Murk: You also ask who got an 'A' on his third grade spelling final.

Jerry: Obama.

Murk: And what's this one about who would win in a dog sled race.

Jerry: Obama.

Murk: You're pandering.

Jerry: Obama.

Murk: Now you sound like Malach.

Jerry: Obama.


Unfortunately, at this point the interview was concluded in order to show a heartfelt victory montage for Barack Obama.