Hockey

My appologies to my UK readers, who only know football (aka soccer), but I needed to share my recent discoveries with my American and Canadian citizens. Canada is technichally just America's Attic. We go up there every once in a while to look for something we need, but usually come back disappointed. Usually.

I found Hockey!

No, this is not a piece on Boston's 4th best girl, the Bruins. It's just about pure Hockey.

Some of you will now need to be told that Hockey is a sport played on the ice in which skaters with stick hit one of my aunt's hamburgers around a frozen lake in an attempt to send this 'puck' into the goal.

Or, so I was told.

I noticed a few things during my 5 day investigation. There is something behind Hockey that has nothing to do with sport. Hockey is code for a secret society, "The Pucks". That's what I've dubbed them at this point. Puck was, or is, a trickster god from ages past. The Fraternal and International Brotherhood of Hockey, The Pucks, use this supposed sport to send messages, hold meetings, and generally, have a laugh on all of us.

The proof:

1. When two people who 'follow' Hockey meet (notice Hockey fans 'FOLLOW' Hockey), they speak a subtle proto-language filled with 'hat tricks', 'one timers', 'deeks', 'naturals', and 'points'. Notice, that this last phrase, 'points', is never completely explained to any innitiate or outside, but they all know what it means. Like seeding and goal differential in football Europa.

2. This can't be a real sport. The goas is the size of a large suitcase, the puck flies faster that the eye can register, and really big men chase it around on ice. This is their intricate metaphor for the absurdity of life.

3. Followers of Hockey will only talk about Hockey. And they'll talk to anyone about it as if all of this stuff was common knowledge. For instance, some guy at a bar tried to seduce me into the mysteries of his cult by saying the following: "Eh, Bergeron needs to be in the second shift when they change lines a man down." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN????? Hey Scully. Take a look at this!

4. Hockey = Hokey. Etymology of the word clearly shows that this 'sport' is a sentimental hoax used to keep people's eyes on games with more pizzaz, like baseball, basketball and AMERICAN footbal. Don't freak out just yet.

Who are they covering for?

European Football, aka Soccer. Really, it goes as far back as the ancient Egyptians. The Heiroglyphs show soccer and hockey all over the place. The Mayans used to play a version of soccer where the winners and the losers and all of the spectators were killed in the name of their Horse God, Poser.

Now. Now I've got you, you little alien fuckers! Let's see what happens to me after they read this!