Dread Diary

OBLOGMA presents, my Obama's First diary:

i cant beleive itz january already! I cant wait till obama is president! they are moving into some house in washington before thewy go to the witehouse. they are all so cute! i bet michelle cooks him dinner and he sits in that sgrey sweater yeah lolz. oh i love him.

i can't even think straight obama just took his first steps!!!!

i think obama likes chicken soup with noodles, not rice. can we get some noodles up in here? yes we can. michelle says marriage is hard work. yeah. maybe if your not married to barack obama! i hear he rubs her feet every night right before he put the kids to bed. awwwwww!

barack obama is so wise. oprah even sez that. i hope obama and i are bffl. i'll always remeber he was black and i voted for him.

i cant believe how much bush suks. he meessed up the country and now obama has to fix the planet 8cue sewperman music!!!8 wait....

oh noes! i just heard that obama has sneezed! call doctur nao!!! the bushes probly left a secret flu there to kill him but they cant. so awesome. all the troops are coming home and the econemy is gettin better and better. oh, michelle is on the cover o us magazine. hawt.

theyre getting a dog!!!! yeah!!! but michelle is smart and has it planned for april. i don't know if i can wait that long! the girls want it on april fools day, but michelle say, oh no no no.

omg, there's a pickcha of obama on this mortgae ad! how funny! ha ha ha. he's got a check for me! and he does. i'm already earning about 50 dollars more per hour because of his economic stimulants.

so i must go to bed dear dairy, so i'll tell you more about what obama did tomorrow. i cant wait!@!!



nite

361

It's the number of intelligent societies that have (note: HAVE) arisen in the Milky Way Galaxy since its beginning. This is the low end estimate, the absolute lowest it can be statistically. This according to a new computer model designed and run by some very skeptical but well respected astronomers.

The number was a surpise to may of them, who loaded the computer simulation to favor a high number of mass extinctions and a very strict definition of the conditions necessary for life to even begin.

And the number is likely to go up as we learn more about how and when life can develop.

Not just 316 species or 361 possible planets. 361 intelligent societies.

Survival of the Survivalists

Brainhead's notes from the road.

So, being in a flu-like haze since my departure on National Single Awareness Day, I have only one thing on my mind: survival. I've wandered off into an in-law apartment in Florida for seven days with food, water, shelter and more than a few items to see if I can survive in civilization.

Day 1:

The plane lands and I'm already on edge. The sweltering heat of the suburban Florida Swamps makes me uneasy. The smell of the urinals in the airport is enough to make me want to turn around right now. But for the next seven days, this will be home.

The first priority in a survival situation is to stay calm and take inventory of your surroundings. I have cash, 4 pieces of full luggage, a wife, credit cards, a laptop, use of a car, cellphones, batteries and a bag of Fridays. While it may not seem like much, even the smallest thing can give you an edge when it comes to survival.

My first thought is shelter, but the wilderness has its own ideas, and my driver has pulled into a restaurant. Looks like I'll be eating real food. And it's only my first night...

Okay. So, I'm no Les Stroud. But neither is Bear Grylls. Being infatuated with a celebrity is tough. I love Les Stroud and would gladly eat his children. If I could be anyone in the world besides Muhammed Ali or George Clinton, it would be Les Stroud. I would have sex with his poo poo.

Bear Grylls, on the other hand, is a fraud. I won't bore you with the details. Go read a damn wikipedia article, but he's a fake ass punk, and I would not have sex with his poo poo.

So, in the fictional world of my head, I have created a survival championship. 7 men. 4 weeks. No rules. Drop them all off in a remote location, and tell them to survive for a month. Killing the competition or allying with them is all fair game. So, who do we want in this competition?

Well Les and Bear, just for contrast, but we need 4 others. And to help them out, they would get a one year survuval crash course if needed. So, who else?

Josh Bernstien - Host of Digging for the Truth and CEO of the Boulder Outdoor Survival School. Josh may seem as rugged as a wet Kleenex, but his ass was forged into steel buns of panic.

Don Wildman - Host of Cities of the Underworld. Now, as we shape up the first four contestants, we know that Don is at a disadvantage... except for the fact that I haven't revealed the location yet. And Don is crazy. Crazy assed Crazy.

Sue Stroud - Les' wife. Bitch can throw a hatchet. Does this give Les an advantage? Only if he can find her before the other contestants kill or kidnap her. If you're wondering, she worries about their lifestyle not being primitive enough because they use electricity. She'll be fine.

Iain Stewart - Host of snooty Scottish geology specials. He's basically cannon fodder.

and....

Jetsun Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama - He can survive on the moon with no space suit.


The location? The subways and streets of New York City.
The Catch? They can't get caught by anyone and can't use money of any kind.

Questions?

Speaking of Cylons

I'm off to Florida with the Cylons. So, here's what I think we just learned.

Cobol ---- First Cylons made. WAR! Holocaust. Everyone flees Cobol, icluding a group of biological cylons.

13 Colonies ----- It takes a while, but idiot humans make cylons again. Meanwhile the 13th colony of old cylons inhabits Earth. Somehow they get a warning (porbably Starbuck in some weird time travel deal) and head out at sub light speed to warn the other cylons and fix them. The old cylons make a deal with the new cylons to give them the biological technology in order to end the cycle of conflicts. It doesn't work.

WAR! 2nd Holocaust.

Long return to earth. Everything startes to be revealed.

If new cylon biological units can reproduce biologically, it might convince them to stop trying to kill humans. If the two races can interbreed, they might all get along.

Just my thoughts.

Mr. President, Remove Our Troops

Dear Dr. Barack Obama, President of these United States of America,

Please remove all of our troops from foriegn soil and return them immediately to America. This will do 100 things:

1. Stop deaths in our Military completely.
2. Protect our country from invaders.
3. Provide much needed support for our slacker work force.
4. Save us money on overseas postage.
5. Allow our soldiers to die defending their homes with their wives and kids.
6. Create additional jobs at all media outlets to provide 24 hour support for coverage of how awesome you are.
7. Provide us with people to spit on in thanks for their efforts.
8. Bring gas down to 50 cents a gallon.
9. Save the environment from Cobra.
10. Give an excuse for a parade with you as Santa Claus.
11. Make former president idiot look like an idiot.
12. Allow us to mention that you're black another three thousand times.
13. Allow us to show you shaking hands with black soldiers, who are black like you are.
14. Bring up that whole slavery and civil rights thing and how this is like how white people say their sorry.
15. Make you look even more handsome!
16. Give you an excuse to smoke again. Whew!
17. Relieve the choked pipeline of china white so we can all tap a vein.
18. Give women hope that women can one day bring all the troops home. Sorry Hillary!
19. Give all Asians hope that in 200 years, white people will apologise to them by electing a Hawaian president.
20. Give us the firepower to start a war somewhere in Africa.
21. Make you even smarter than ever.
22. Make camoflage cool again.
23. Let Iraq detroy itself for once, again.
24. Give the Gitmo Victims a place to go home to.
25. Put big, shiny ships in harbors.
26. Increase Bud Lite sales by 2 million bottles an hour.
27. Lower the national IQ and make you EVEN MORE smarter by comparison.
28. Protect the cocaine!!!
29. Allow us to march about, pretending to be soldiers without looking evil.
30. Make everyone happy.
31. Make the rest of the world negotiate for food and protection again.
32. Razz of the fookin Brits!
33. Allow you to make another seriously weird speech in that unrecognizable accent you have.
35. Let us sleep safe at night... with SOLDIERS!
36. End the dumb army commecials.
37. Get old ladies to say, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmm!
38. Have a built in excuse when we get attacked again.
39. Fly your private jet.


OBAMA! Let us pray:

Dear Holy and Just Obama, bring us to a more perfect understanding of how you are so amazing and how we can suck up to you no matter how things go. May we look to you for hope when things go wrong, praise you when things go right, and listen to you when you tell us whether things are going wrong or right. May we have the faith in you to follow your wisdom even when we don't understand or accept what you say. Bring all of this to pass, with the help of your wife, Michelle, the little Angels, Pasha and Boo-Shamika, and through your own good looks and smile, in your name, Barack Hussein, say it again, Obama Amena Sig Hiel!

Oh. My. God.

I know what he's thinking...

Size 22, short.

Welcome to Wonderland

Being right is difficult. No one likes people who claim to be right all the time. No one likes it when they are wrong and other people are right. No one likes people who are right all the time. And no one wants to hear a person say I told you so.

This complicates matters. You see, being right too often makes it impossible to tell anyone anything useful. When you first started being right, they didn't believe you. So, you tried to prove it to them. Now, they don't want to hear it, they admit it, but hate it. You're always right. Say you're sorry.

Imagine this. You're right. You see it coming. You know you're right. People ask you because they want to be right too, but they don't want you to be right, so they do the opposite to show that you don't know everything. When they're wrong, you can't tell them. They just look at you. Angry. Had you not been right all the time, they never would have done what they did just to spite you and so it is your fault.

"I hate it. You're always right." they might say.

Well, now I have a response. "Think of how I feel. I get to be right and hated for it all the time. I wish I could be wrong like you."