Survival of the Survivalists

Brainhead's notes from the road.

So, being in a flu-like haze since my departure on National Single Awareness Day, I have only one thing on my mind: survival. I've wandered off into an in-law apartment in Florida for seven days with food, water, shelter and more than a few items to see if I can survive in civilization.

Day 1:

The plane lands and I'm already on edge. The sweltering heat of the suburban Florida Swamps makes me uneasy. The smell of the urinals in the airport is enough to make me want to turn around right now. But for the next seven days, this will be home.

The first priority in a survival situation is to stay calm and take inventory of your surroundings. I have cash, 4 pieces of full luggage, a wife, credit cards, a laptop, use of a car, cellphones, batteries and a bag of Fridays. While it may not seem like much, even the smallest thing can give you an edge when it comes to survival.

My first thought is shelter, but the wilderness has its own ideas, and my driver has pulled into a restaurant. Looks like I'll be eating real food. And it's only my first night...

Okay. So, I'm no Les Stroud. But neither is Bear Grylls. Being infatuated with a celebrity is tough. I love Les Stroud and would gladly eat his children. If I could be anyone in the world besides Muhammed Ali or George Clinton, it would be Les Stroud. I would have sex with his poo poo.

Bear Grylls, on the other hand, is a fraud. I won't bore you with the details. Go read a damn wikipedia article, but he's a fake ass punk, and I would not have sex with his poo poo.

So, in the fictional world of my head, I have created a survival championship. 7 men. 4 weeks. No rules. Drop them all off in a remote location, and tell them to survive for a month. Killing the competition or allying with them is all fair game. So, who do we want in this competition?

Well Les and Bear, just for contrast, but we need 4 others. And to help them out, they would get a one year survuval crash course if needed. So, who else?

Josh Bernstien - Host of Digging for the Truth and CEO of the Boulder Outdoor Survival School. Josh may seem as rugged as a wet Kleenex, but his ass was forged into steel buns of panic.

Don Wildman - Host of Cities of the Underworld. Now, as we shape up the first four contestants, we know that Don is at a disadvantage... except for the fact that I haven't revealed the location yet. And Don is crazy. Crazy assed Crazy.

Sue Stroud - Les' wife. Bitch can throw a hatchet. Does this give Les an advantage? Only if he can find her before the other contestants kill or kidnap her. If you're wondering, she worries about their lifestyle not being primitive enough because they use electricity. She'll be fine.

Iain Stewart - Host of snooty Scottish geology specials. He's basically cannon fodder.

and....

Jetsun Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama - He can survive on the moon with no space suit.


The location? The subways and streets of New York City.
The Catch? They can't get caught by anyone and can't use money of any kind.

Questions?