The grocery store is filled with pirates and IEDs. I went to buy myself some bread and shit, and then this dude pops out with a price gun and retagged everything in the bread aisle and in my cart.
Okay, it wasn't like that, but food is damn expensive. Ever since people forgot how to grow their own, we've been at the mercy of greedy Armenian Grocers. It's been even worse over the last five years. The four dollar a gallon gas hike gave everyone from Tom Jones to Freddy Fingers an excuse to raise prices by ten to twenty percent.
My bill at the Stop and Shop actually said "Ha ha, fuck you!" at the bottom. Actually it said Thank You, but I said Fuck You to the cashier, the butcher, the deli hag, some retarded kid and the elderly war veteran. I also ran over a cat on my way home. It was in someone's yard. I had to do some NASCAR style shit to get it too.
It's alright though. I used some lady's credit card and signed it George Orwell just to see if the cashier was paying attention. And, I touched like eight of the loaves of bread. I'm not telling which ones.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Hulu Will Break Your Neck
So, like has Hulu caught on yet? No. Why? I don't know. Let's see...
Its search function is clumsy like a fat fisted hooker. The clips are small, short and choppy. You have to sign up for any of the good stuff and you have to pay. At least at YouTube I don't have to give an email or any money to watch crappy web based junk.
But but but... mister Murk, Hulu is on TV and has stuff that's like copywriteded or trademurked or something or that... fuck off.
It's not only the bad execution, but the bad concept. I ride my internet bareback so I can get all interactive and shit. I'm not here to watch TV!! That's what the TV is for! Some day, some brilliant sociopath will come along and merge TV and web based stuff and then maybe maybe maybe Hulu goes somewhere... maybe.
But, right now, I'd rather journey to sites that have unique internet based content, not rehashed TV crap on the internet. There's enough rehashed crap on TV. And with On Demand and DRVs, we get the shows... we want... when... we want... nevermind. Why do I bother?
Here's the TL;DR version: Hulu, GO FUCK YOURSELF! It sucks.
And now, I'd like to go back to making fun of minorities.
Its search function is clumsy like a fat fisted hooker. The clips are small, short and choppy. You have to sign up for any of the good stuff and you have to pay. At least at YouTube I don't have to give an email or any money to watch crappy web based junk.
But but but... mister Murk, Hulu is on TV and has stuff that's like copywriteded or trademurked or something or that... fuck off.
It's not only the bad execution, but the bad concept. I ride my internet bareback so I can get all interactive and shit. I'm not here to watch TV!! That's what the TV is for! Some day, some brilliant sociopath will come along and merge TV and web based stuff and then maybe maybe maybe Hulu goes somewhere... maybe.
But, right now, I'd rather journey to sites that have unique internet based content, not rehashed TV crap on the internet. There's enough rehashed crap on TV. And with On Demand and DRVs, we get the shows... we want... when... we want... nevermind. Why do I bother?
Here's the TL;DR version: Hulu, GO FUCK YOURSELF! It sucks.
And now, I'd like to go back to making fun of minorities.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Unbearable Sports Talk
So, it's July 6th, 2009 and the Boston Celtics have just aquired Rasheed Wallace. I need to tell you a few things about Sheed.
1. He's an asshole. I've watched Sheed since his early days in Portland. Actually, I've always been mildly in love with the Portland Trailblazers. So, I've watched his games. He talks too much. He's always running his yap. He talks to players, fans, refs, coaches... he never stops.
2. He's got post and range. He can make moves close to the basket. He can shoot the three. He's one of the best three point shooting 6 foot 11 inch guys to ever play the game. He's got some big time offensive skills.
3. He's a good to great defender, especially off the ball. You pair him with KG and the paint is closed. Closed, people! He eats up about three feet of shooting space on either side of the key.
4. He's an all or nothing. When he's on, the Celtics will be unstoppable. When he's off, they had better not let him within 30 feet of the ball because he will grab it, shoot it, miss it the entire night. I've seen him go cold for weeks and still shoot bad shots over and over and over. He takes really bad shots, but he makes enough of them to give you the thought that maybe that's a good thing.
The quick and dirty is... Celtics fans, he's Antoine Walker with height and a better shot. He's more athletic too. That's the bad news. The good news is the Celtics don't need him to be on every night. He's a fifth option at best. Maybe a sixth. If Sheedy can play sixth man, come off the bench after Kendrick Perkins pick up his 5th foul in the first quarter, he's a huge huge plus.
However, if he becomes a staple of the starting lineup and plays more than 25 minutes a night, this might backfire. There's not enough ball for Pierce, Allen and Rondo, nevermind getting Sheedy 20 touches a night.
Mark the words of the Murk. If Glen Davis gets a higher offer (remeber, he's a restricted free agent and the Celtics own him if they match any offer by other teams) and goes somewhere else, this will be bad. How bad? Well, not as bad as having NO ONE to spell Perkins and KG, but much less than ideal.
Why?
Sheed is old. He can't carry the minutes but he's stubborn and just good enough to get his number called to do so. And all this talk about veterans in the locker room and Doc Rivers having his respect is nice, if we're writing a movie script, but NO ONE is changing Sheed. Remember, this is the guy they put the manditory suspension for too many technicals in a season for. And this is not a man trying to restart his career or rebuild his image. This is an aging guy trying to trade time for a few more rings. He doesn't need a new contract after this. He will not be on his best behavior.
Do I like the move?
Oh fuck yes I do. I love Rasheed Wallace. He reminds me of me.
1. He's an asshole. I've watched Sheed since his early days in Portland. Actually, I've always been mildly in love with the Portland Trailblazers. So, I've watched his games. He talks too much. He's always running his yap. He talks to players, fans, refs, coaches... he never stops.
2. He's got post and range. He can make moves close to the basket. He can shoot the three. He's one of the best three point shooting 6 foot 11 inch guys to ever play the game. He's got some big time offensive skills.
3. He's a good to great defender, especially off the ball. You pair him with KG and the paint is closed. Closed, people! He eats up about three feet of shooting space on either side of the key.
4. He's an all or nothing. When he's on, the Celtics will be unstoppable. When he's off, they had better not let him within 30 feet of the ball because he will grab it, shoot it, miss it the entire night. I've seen him go cold for weeks and still shoot bad shots over and over and over. He takes really bad shots, but he makes enough of them to give you the thought that maybe that's a good thing.
The quick and dirty is... Celtics fans, he's Antoine Walker with height and a better shot. He's more athletic too. That's the bad news. The good news is the Celtics don't need him to be on every night. He's a fifth option at best. Maybe a sixth. If Sheedy can play sixth man, come off the bench after Kendrick Perkins pick up his 5th foul in the first quarter, he's a huge huge plus.
However, if he becomes a staple of the starting lineup and plays more than 25 minutes a night, this might backfire. There's not enough ball for Pierce, Allen and Rondo, nevermind getting Sheedy 20 touches a night.
Mark the words of the Murk. If Glen Davis gets a higher offer (remeber, he's a restricted free agent and the Celtics own him if they match any offer by other teams) and goes somewhere else, this will be bad. How bad? Well, not as bad as having NO ONE to spell Perkins and KG, but much less than ideal.
Why?
Sheed is old. He can't carry the minutes but he's stubborn and just good enough to get his number called to do so. And all this talk about veterans in the locker room and Doc Rivers having his respect is nice, if we're writing a movie script, but NO ONE is changing Sheed. Remember, this is the guy they put the manditory suspension for too many technicals in a season for. And this is not a man trying to restart his career or rebuild his image. This is an aging guy trying to trade time for a few more rings. He doesn't need a new contract after this. He will not be on his best behavior.
Do I like the move?
Oh fuck yes I do. I love Rasheed Wallace. He reminds me of me.
Friday, July 3, 2009
And Now...
CELEBRITY DEATH WATCH:::::
Here's the Vegas odds on these celebs dying in the next month...
Dick Clark 3/2
Keith Richards 10/1
Anna Nicole Smith (again) .off.
Joaquim Phoenix 4/3
Mel Gibson 7/1
Elvis Costello 15/1
Jimmy Carter 2/1
Magic Jonson 32/1
Pamela Anderson 15/1
Martin Sheen 5/1
Oprah Winfrey 524/1
Plaxico Burress 23/5
Denzel Washington 43/3
Tonya Harding 12/1
Kim Catrall 37/1
Pedro Gomez 112/3
Billy D. Williams 23/2
Barry Sanders 221/1
Billy Mays .off.
Kevin Bacon 666/1
Chuck D 12/1
S. Epatha Merkerson 41/1
Maury Pocich 5/1
Here's the Vegas odds on these celebs dying in the next month...
Dick Clark 3/2
Keith Richards 10/1
Anna Nicole Smith (again) .off.
Joaquim Phoenix 4/3
Mel Gibson 7/1
Elvis Costello 15/1
Jimmy Carter 2/1
Magic Jonson 32/1
Pamela Anderson 15/1
Martin Sheen 5/1
Oprah Winfrey 524/1
Plaxico Burress 23/5
Denzel Washington 43/3
Tonya Harding 12/1
Kim Catrall 37/1
Pedro Gomez 112/3
Billy D. Williams 23/2
Barry Sanders 221/1
Billy Mays .off.
Kevin Bacon 666/1
Chuck D 12/1
S. Epatha Merkerson 41/1
Maury Pocich 5/1
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Criminal Minded
The heat wave descends upon my fair town and my mind turns, as it often does, to crime. I love the sound of trumped up legal charges as the baliff shouts them of in court. Poetic, really. So, as a sort of primary on crime poetry (it's like an offshoot of detective fiction), I present you with a short glossary of useful crime terms for your next flight of poesy:
Larceny - Now there's a word. The next time you have some highbrow friends over, let the word roll off your tongue at the end of a sentence. Like, "You know, I really haven't been myself since Bee was arrested for... Larceny."
Petty Theft - If you're feeling British, try petty theft on for size, old bean! Hoo ho! What what? Petty theft, you say? Righto! England is filled with thickly accented thieves, most of which come straight out of their military. But what is petty theft? Oh, shut up you git before I loosen your waggle with me ponfadoo. Fucking poofs.
Assault and Battery - No no. Not just assault. Assaul AND battery. Like mac and cheese. Pork and beens. Can't have assault without a little battery. For edification, assault is to attack with the intent to do harm, battery is the doing of injuries to the victim.
B n E - You can't just call it breaking and entering. Na na. It's BnE! BnE bro! Like A&E, except it's burglary! Oh. That's a good one too. Burglary. Ohhhh. Shivers. Oh. Oh. Now, you can have your entering. You can keep your breaking. But put them together and now you're going to blow up some ethic stereotypes. Everyone loves BnE. Even us white folk!
Cops - Just as a side note, it's supposedly a derrogatory term. Don't ever use it in front of a police officer. Like, don't say, "Do all you cops go in for that sort of butch sodomite looke, or is it just you Chauncy?" They don't like it. Robbers better than cops! Robbers.
So, anyways, that's just a bit to get you started. Soo, you'll be writing verses like this...
Open and Gross,
Lewd activity.
The perp limped off with a grin.
Not a cop for miles, but
That old lady might rat.
Better to hit her with a bat, said he.
Now he's 5 to nine in the County Pen.
Larceny - Now there's a word. The next time you have some highbrow friends over, let the word roll off your tongue at the end of a sentence. Like, "You know, I really haven't been myself since Bee was arrested for... Larceny."
Petty Theft - If you're feeling British, try petty theft on for size, old bean! Hoo ho! What what? Petty theft, you say? Righto! England is filled with thickly accented thieves, most of which come straight out of their military. But what is petty theft? Oh, shut up you git before I loosen your waggle with me ponfadoo. Fucking poofs.
Assault and Battery - No no. Not just assault. Assaul AND battery. Like mac and cheese. Pork and beens. Can't have assault without a little battery. For edification, assault is to attack with the intent to do harm, battery is the doing of injuries to the victim.
B n E - You can't just call it breaking and entering. Na na. It's BnE! BnE bro! Like A&E, except it's burglary! Oh. That's a good one too. Burglary. Ohhhh. Shivers. Oh. Oh. Now, you can have your entering. You can keep your breaking. But put them together and now you're going to blow up some ethic stereotypes. Everyone loves BnE. Even us white folk!
Cops - Just as a side note, it's supposedly a derrogatory term. Don't ever use it in front of a police officer. Like, don't say, "Do all you cops go in for that sort of butch sodomite looke, or is it just you Chauncy?" They don't like it. Robbers better than cops! Robbers.
So, anyways, that's just a bit to get you started. Soo, you'll be writing verses like this...
Open and Gross,
Lewd activity.
The perp limped off with a grin.
Not a cop for miles, but
That old lady might rat.
Better to hit her with a bat, said he.
Now he's 5 to nine in the County Pen.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Hierarchy of Beings
In life, we are forced to make many choices. The choices we make place us on the ladder of success. Most people agree that you can't objectively measure a person's success by their occupation alone.
Bullshit.
Using my patented 28 step divisional substrate process, I hace managed to piece together a hierarchy of beings. Yeah, sure, we all know that Lawyers, Doctors and President Obama are on the bottom. But who is on top and why?
7. Vampyres - Coming in dead last out of our top seven beings of all time are vampyres. Scary. Charming. Scary. Cute. Fightening and gross. Vampyres have it all over you. They are the best of the best, except for numbers 6 through 1.
6. Pirate - A pirate could easily kill a vampyre with a sword. You can't believe everything you read. Why so low on the charts? Hey, six is pretty good, you mangy African cocksuckers. When you see who ranky higher, you'll learn better. Pirates, way cool, but calm the fuck down.
5. Dinosaurs - Now, I know what you're thinking... YES!!!! This rocks! I know! Dinos are so fucking huge and tramplicious that they have to be on this list, easting and stomping everything below including firemen and cheesecake makers. BOOM BOMM BOMM! REEEEOOOAAAAAR!!!! Crunch crunch crunh.
4. Clowns - Including mimes. This is where faith comes in. Kinda like faith in an invisible fairy that waits around for you to summon it to do your bidding. But where there is faith, there is proof. A clown could stop a dinosaur with a sub-machine gun or his dick. If it's a girl mime, she could nag it with confusing hand gestures of doom.
4a. - Muppets
3. Ninjas - I know, I know, like the dinosaurs, right? We all know about ninjas. I don't even have to cite the hundreds of masters in America or those movies with the guy who cuts that mutherfucker's throat. Nijas are tough to beat. You go to punch them, they're not there. You got to read the paper, they force open your mouth and spit poison in. It's that simple.
2. Ghosts - Even ninjas have fears. A ghost is like a nija you just can't fuck with because ghosts don't give a fucking fuck. They're ethereal, man. Don't you get it? Ninja ain't killing that shit! And who do you think makes all those ghosts? Ninjas. Who are the ghosts pissed at? Ninjas. Now you're cooking with sake, Waki-san. Hiya!
1. Muhammad - Follow me here. First off, he's dead, therefore a ghost. That bumps him to number 2. Also, he commands an army of human sand fleas that will kill in his name just for some tail in the afterlife. He's like Sgt. Rock with invisibility and an RPG with unlimited charges. He is like the numbah won ghost king and he's pissed off all the time. He'd kill the Buddha and nail Jesus back up on the cross and yell "Stay there until I say you can come back down."
Well, that concludes this braodcast. I'm just letting a muthafucker know what's up.
Bullshit.
Using my patented 28 step divisional substrate process, I hace managed to piece together a hierarchy of beings. Yeah, sure, we all know that Lawyers, Doctors and President Obama are on the bottom. But who is on top and why?
7. Vampyres - Coming in dead last out of our top seven beings of all time are vampyres. Scary. Charming. Scary. Cute. Fightening and gross. Vampyres have it all over you. They are the best of the best, except for numbers 6 through 1.
6. Pirate - A pirate could easily kill a vampyre with a sword. You can't believe everything you read. Why so low on the charts? Hey, six is pretty good, you mangy African cocksuckers. When you see who ranky higher, you'll learn better. Pirates, way cool, but calm the fuck down.
5. Dinosaurs - Now, I know what you're thinking... YES!!!! This rocks! I know! Dinos are so fucking huge and tramplicious that they have to be on this list, easting and stomping everything below including firemen and cheesecake makers. BOOM BOMM BOMM! REEEEOOOAAAAAR!!!! Crunch crunch crunh.
4. Clowns - Including mimes. This is where faith comes in. Kinda like faith in an invisible fairy that waits around for you to summon it to do your bidding. But where there is faith, there is proof. A clown could stop a dinosaur with a sub-machine gun or his dick. If it's a girl mime, she could nag it with confusing hand gestures of doom.
4a. - Muppets
3. Ninjas - I know, I know, like the dinosaurs, right? We all know about ninjas. I don't even have to cite the hundreds of masters in America or those movies with the guy who cuts that mutherfucker's throat. Nijas are tough to beat. You go to punch them, they're not there. You got to read the paper, they force open your mouth and spit poison in. It's that simple.
2. Ghosts - Even ninjas have fears. A ghost is like a nija you just can't fuck with because ghosts don't give a fucking fuck. They're ethereal, man. Don't you get it? Ninja ain't killing that shit! And who do you think makes all those ghosts? Ninjas. Who are the ghosts pissed at? Ninjas. Now you're cooking with sake, Waki-san. Hiya!
1. Muhammad - Follow me here. First off, he's dead, therefore a ghost. That bumps him to number 2. Also, he commands an army of human sand fleas that will kill in his name just for some tail in the afterlife. He's like Sgt. Rock with invisibility and an RPG with unlimited charges. He is like the numbah won ghost king and he's pissed off all the time. He'd kill the Buddha and nail Jesus back up on the cross and yell "Stay there until I say you can come back down."
Well, that concludes this braodcast. I'm just letting a muthafucker know what's up.
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