Fan Mail

Every once in a while I receive a bit of mail from one of my puppets. Sometimes, they pose some tough questions. Here's one email I received last hour from one really critical fan:

Dear Doctor Murk,

How do you remain so consistently awesome?

John


Well, for one, I train contantly in martial arts and can be frequently found in the middle of kung fu battles with deadly hatchet men. Usually, I fight people with a full grown bull tied to my back to simulate the high gravity situations I frequently encounter on larger planets. Also, I limit myself to one strike a minute to ensure that I take multiple punches and kill with one blow.

I drive a very expensive car that doesn't even have a name because it's built by Lockheed Martin Skunkworks. It travels between dimensional space and instantly teleports hot chicks into my bed for when I get home. Mrs. Dr. Murk kills them instantly by just being so incredibly hot that they die of shame and envy.

I invented two new types of gold that are better than the original gold most people have. I make six foot daggers out of it and stab battleships with them.

I don't light my own cigarettes. They know when to light, and what will happen if they don't. I no longer need to drink alcohol to get a buzz on. I am actually considered a class D substance, and so any people within a few kilometers of me immediately trembles into a state of euphoria.

I pee pure sunshine and am actually powering the entire eastern coast of the United States right now.

In short, I rock.

I grow tired of your flattery, people. It's so unbecomming. So, close your drool faucet and let me think about how to manage the entire world for the next fifty years.

Thank you and I hope this answers your question, John.

I love you,

Murk