Lost In Translation

here is another piece of mail that got lost:

Dear Dr Murk-

last night i had this dream that you were chasing me around with a ladle and had the tail of a squirrel. at first i was scared, but then i was oddly turned on.

does this happen frequently?


To answer your first question first, yes. Dreaming happens frequently. Some people dream of old friends and better days. Some people dream that the world will end. Other people have the SquirrelMurk with a Ladle Dream.

Dreams are such a broad topic that...

Anyways, dream interpretation is a side camp of Fruedian psychology that is often used to make penises out of pie charts, so, I will use a more neo-clastic, Reagan based turn for turn wrap analysis of your dreamy-poo.

The Murk stands for authority with wicked intentions. The Ladle is the cup with which wickedness catches innosence's leavings. Your initial fear is the spark of curiosity. The Squirrel tail implies a foreign, but somehow familiar and cozy beastlike presence. Then, you are safe. warm, aroused.

Mmmmmmm. It makes sense to me. ;)

Murk

Fan Mail

Every once in a while I receive a bit of mail from one of my puppets. Sometimes, they pose some tough questions. Here's one email I received last hour from one really critical fan:

Dear Doctor Murk,

How do you remain so consistently awesome?

John


Well, for one, I train contantly in martial arts and can be frequently found in the middle of kung fu battles with deadly hatchet men. Usually, I fight people with a full grown bull tied to my back to simulate the high gravity situations I frequently encounter on larger planets. Also, I limit myself to one strike a minute to ensure that I take multiple punches and kill with one blow.

I drive a very expensive car that doesn't even have a name because it's built by Lockheed Martin Skunkworks. It travels between dimensional space and instantly teleports hot chicks into my bed for when I get home. Mrs. Dr. Murk kills them instantly by just being so incredibly hot that they die of shame and envy.

I invented two new types of gold that are better than the original gold most people have. I make six foot daggers out of it and stab battleships with them.

I don't light my own cigarettes. They know when to light, and what will happen if they don't. I no longer need to drink alcohol to get a buzz on. I am actually considered a class D substance, and so any people within a few kilometers of me immediately trembles into a state of euphoria.

I pee pure sunshine and am actually powering the entire eastern coast of the United States right now.

In short, I rock.

I grow tired of your flattery, people. It's so unbecomming. So, close your drool faucet and let me think about how to manage the entire world for the next fifty years.

Thank you and I hope this answers your question, John.

I love you,

Murk

Ut Oh!

Forgot a Murko.

Tequilla Mockingbird. This blog wins the Brutally Awesome Double Middle Finger Salute for Bravery, Comedy and Social Critique.

Let's see Malach make an award for that!

Speling Misstakes

I formerly apolagise four all ov the speling and gramar misstakes i've ben macking latly. Plese dont stop reading my blog becuz I canned be bothred to proofread.

Oh, come on. Half the mistakes are puns, intentional or utherwise. Sorry I cant just be funny and proper and make fun of jorge bush all the time because that's wickid tuff to do on a consistent basis.

You know, when I was I boy, I followed my grandfatha around and shot a turkey. blah blah blah, sentimental reverie, poor me poor me, and shit I cant evin give a crap about let alone scribble with my crayons a fart on and on in th wind and claim it smells like my frat buddies ass.

so, ger drunk and be cool and pretend your educaded. Grate. Awesome. Take that cheek out of your toun gue and swalow it.

The Final Murkoes

First, we must clarify a few previous Murkoes. You, my lovely idiots, failed to understand that C. Rag's award was for... well, C. Rag. Nuff Daid. If that don't clear it up, then wait a week and you won't need to use her because you'll stop bleeding eventually. Unless you're hemmoraging. Morgan Freeman as a cheerleader?

In a stunning upset (where have I heard that before) Anxious Mike has one the Murko for the most Whorish Self Promotion, for this post. We all know Malach should win this award every year, but even a broken watch is right twice a day. So, gudos to MIKE! At least this is one award you actually CAN win. God, it's like a creepy circle jerk of love over there right now.

And last but not least, I am going to reluctantly award Christopher Morris an award for The Best Attempt at Being Cool, and Failing Miserably.

Wait... hold on one minute................. good. Okay. We have a late entry. Comeback Blogger of the Year!!!!! Captain Flak Paperpants!!!!! All I can say is roll me over and fuck me backwards!

As November draws to a painful close, we'd like to remind all of the faithful blogging community that the Murkoes aren't for everybody. That's why they're special. So, if you didn't get one this year, you probably fucked sumthin up or just plain didn't deserve one.

Goodnight, and remember, have your relatives spayed or neutered.

Murk

ps. Malach, thanks for reposting my stuff and making the awards. Don't worry about correcting my spelling. I kind of love you I think.

Murko Update!

This just in:

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow for...

Best Blog By a Vigo Mortensen Stalker.



Man, did he get old FAST.

C. Rag has also won. C. Rag. Nuff Daid.

More Murkoes

HEY HEY! suckmyballs it's time fore more Murkoes!

Well, well, it's been a great year for blogs. Yes, and this next award goes to the most offensive blogger of the year. Sara Sue is so offensive she was CENCORED!!!!!

I proudly present the award for Best Blog About Beer and Tits to Sara Sue for Beer Is Not Food

And now, for a very special Lifetime Achievement Award from the Murk Academy.

Back in the early years of blogging, many suffering writers bucked their carpal tunnel syndrome and fought valliantly for attention. Not this prick. He gave one simple word...

"Buddies,"

The Joey Polanski Show has been a staple of the blogosphere for many years now. Joey never asked for fame. He just wanted to play a trick on his brother Piet. Unfortunately, people LOVED him. Now, he's stuck with us. His vision was to let all the bloggers have the stage in his comments section. Mission Accomplished!

Bravo Joey!

Murkos Commercial Break

The wonder that is Dr. Robert J. Murk is financed by The Third Option Media Network. In compliance with their STOOOPID agenda, I present to you, a commercial.



Mork Murkos after the break! Stay tuned.