I've Got Snakes

So, I went to the doctor again and he says I've got snakes. Yes, it's that bad folks. It made sense. The hissing sound from my lungs, the forked tongue, the urge to bit and roll around. I've got snakes.

What I was surprized to learn was how many people throughout history have had snakes and managed to live a good life. Moses, for example, has snakes. He used them to perform a mighty good party trick. Steve Irwin had snakes. They drove him insane, but he built his career around that insanity and it killed him. Robert Downey Jr. thought he had snakes, but it was just DTs.

So, if you have snakes, here are some ideas to make your life easier.

1. Tell everyone you've got snakes. Call people at random from the phonebook. Don't be depressed. Tell them in a loud cheerful voice, "I've got snakes!"

2. Go medusa. This solved my receding hairline and the recent rat infestation in my secret cave of destiny.

3. Snake surfing. I'm not sure how this works, but Tom Brady likes it!











Tom Brady: Snake Surfer.

7. Rob a bank, like these kids.

8. Replace spaghetti at local spaghetti dinner with snakes.

27. Rip a mean boofer at the doctor's office. I did mine on the way out. You can do this with or without snakes.

4. Call Tom Brady a snakefucker.












Tom Brady: Snake Fucker

8. Rent an apartment and let the snakes out.

11. Get on a plane. Snakes on a plane. Snakes on a plane. Snakes.

21. Remember all the great times you had with your snakes at the fair.

You see, it's not all bad having snakes. Hang on. Phone.

That was the doctor. He made a mistake. I have tapeworms. They just look like snakes. It must have been that raw meat I ate. I'd like to apologize to all the Tom Bradys out there.











Sorry