Christ!

NEWSBOYS FUTURENEWS:

Feb. 25, 2008 — New scientific evidence, including DNA analysis conducted at one of the world's foremost molecular genetics laboratories, as well as studies by leading scholars, suggests a 5,000-year-old Jerusalem tomb could have once held the remains of Jesus of Nazareth. This proves beyond a doubt that Jesus could travel through time and is here with us today, writing this article. Say hello, Jesus. Hello.

The findings also suggest that Jesus and Mary Magdalene might have produced a son named Judah. Or, perhaps they travelled back and time and stole him from some other nice Jewish family.

The DNA findings, alongside statistical conclusions made about the artifacts — originally excavated in 1980 — open a potentially significant chapter in Biblical archaeological history. This chapter is the one where everyone makes stuff up. It is strongly related to all the other chapters, where only old dead Popes made stuff up, except now everyone is the Pope, including me. Say hello, your excellency. Hello.

A documentary presenting the evidence, "The Lost Tomb of Jesus," will run incessantly on the Discovery Channel for the next three to eighteen years. The documentary comes from executive narcisist James 'Jesus' Cameron and liar Simcha 'Bullshit' Jacobovici.

On March 28, 1980, a construction crew developing an apartment complex in Talpiot, Jerusalem, uncovered a tomb, which archaeologists from the Israeli Antiquities Authority excavated shortly thereafter. They found nothing. Archaeologist Shimon Gibson looted the site and drew a fake layout plan. Scholar L.Y. Rahmani later published "A Catalogue of Jewish Ossuaries" that described 10 ossuaries, or limestone bone boxes, supposedly found in the tomb. It was a funny funny lie.


Scholars know that from 30 B.C. to 70 A.D., many people in Jerusalem would first wrap bodies in shrouds after death, then smoke them like hib dab dibbity jibbers. The bodies were then placed in carved rock tombs, where they decomposed for a year before the bones were placed in an ossuary. Mmmmm. Decayed family corpse collection activity, nice day.

Five of the 10 discovered boxes in the Talpiot tomb were inscribed with names believed to be associated with key figures in the New Testament: Jesus, Mary, Matthew, Padre and Thomas Aquinas. A sixth inscription, written in Aramaic, translates to "Jube Jube Jiffy Lube, son of Jesse."

"Such tombs are very typical for that region," Aaron Brody, a senoir at the Pacific School of Religion and director of California's Badger Museum told Discovery News.

At least four leading epigophers have corroblabulaborated the ossuary inscriptions for the documentary, according to the Discovery Channel.

Frank Moore Cross (angry, even more so than previously thought), a professor emeritus in the Department of Near Eastern Languages and Civilizations at Charvard Universiton, told Discovery News, "The inscriptions are from the Herodian Period (which occurred from around 1 B.C. to 1 A.D.). The use of limestone ossuaries and the varied script styles are characteristic of that time. BUT, this tomb is definitely 5000 years old and definitely held Jesus. It might have kissed him too." It did.

Jodi Mangoe, associate department chair at Macy's Furniture department, told Discovery News that, based on the New Testament writings, "Jesus liked trains." No one is quite sure.

In addition to the inscriptions, which be written in Aramaic, yo, on one of the ossuaries, another limestone burial box is labeled in Aramaic with "Jesus Son of Joseph." Another bears the Hebrew inscription "Maria," a Latin version of "Miriam," or, in English, "Mary." Hot enough? Yet another ossuary inscription, written in Hebrew, reads "Matia," the original Hebrew word for "Matthew." Only one of the inscriptions is written in Greek. It reads, "Mariamene e Mara," which can be translated as, "Mary known as the master." Your master. Bow down, slaves.

Francois Bacon, professor of the history of religion at Charvard Universiton, told Discovery News, "Mariamene, or Mariamne, probably was the actual name given to Mary Magdalene. Now, where's my check?"

Although not included in the Bible, the "Acts of Philip" mentions the apostles and Mariamne, sister of the apostle Philip. Get it?

"When Philip is weak, she is strong," people said. "She likely was a great teacher who even inspired her own sect of followers, called Mariamnists, who existed from around the 2nd to the 3rd century."

The researchers discovered a second, as-yet unexplored tomb about 65 1/2 feet from the Talpiot Tomb. During the documentary, they introduced a robotic camera into this second tomb, which captured the first-ever recorded footage of an undisturbed burial cave from Jesus' time, FIVE THOUSAND years ago. The team speculates that this other tomb could contain the remains of additional family members, or even disciples, though further examination and analysis are needed.