College Sports Are For Idiots

I've been waiting for someone to come right out and say this, but it looks like no one has the balls to stand up to these so called "sports purists" who always tout the magic and majesty of college sports. You're not a purist if you love college sports, you're a lamewad in some small market without a sports team. Or, the professional sports in your city are so bad you are forced to root for college teams.

Let's take a systematic stroll through the logic of the college sports fan.

1. College sports are more exciting!

Bullshit. It only seems that way because they load the gym/stadium with drunk college kids who pee their pants for every play. The only excitement for the viewer is betting on the game or joining in on the drunken peeing.

2. The rivalries are better.

Crap. First off, rivalries are made up. There is no historical basis for most of them. Take Michigan vs. Ohio State. First off, no one cares about those places or those colleges unless they live there or attended one of thos schools. It's not like Michigan and Ohio fought a bloody war spanning generations.

3. The game is more pure.

Ha. By that logic, Pee Wee Football and Little League are the most exciting things in the world. College games are just poorly played. It might have something to do with the fact that the talent is thin at that level.

4. But it IS more exciting! I swear!!!

Shut up. This is just another one of those things people say to make themselves appear smart and hip. Mrs. Dr. Murk is an avid sports fan and even SHE doesn't get the whole fascination with March Madness and Bowl Games. Who cares about a double overtime because no one can make a shot? Give me the cold steel of an NBA veteran shooting guard burying a jumper to ice a game with three seconds left, not some pimpled kid heaving a prayer and getting lucky.

5. There's more emotion involved.

Please. What is this, the Lifetime Sports Network? I'd rather shoot my own foot and eat it than mix emotions with sports watching. The only two emotions that belong in a discussion about watching sports are FEAR and RELIEF. College has none of that.

6. They play because they love the game... eh eh eh wahhhh not for money!

So, I should hire a carpenter because he loves what he does, even if he sucks? Fuck you. Give my the guy who charges double and earns it, or I'll fix it myself. You know what every college player dreams of? PLAYING IN THE PROS! There's a reason for that. MONEY! And college players will never be paid because they're a four year investment and usually, THEY SUCK!

7. College sports are more exciting!

Again? Come off of it. Even if it were true, that doesn't make it better. It can be exciting to escape from a fire. That doesn't mean that it's enjoyable. No amount of excitement can make up for inferior product. That's like turning down a Porsche because you're old '84 Mustang is 'more exciting' and 'more emotional'. And sure, you can have both, but which one would you DRIVE???

8. I can't get emotionally attached to a Pro Sports Team... *frown*

Ah! Jesus Twirling Shitfits, what the hell is wrong with you? Look, if you have a friend or relative who plays college or pro sports, I can see getting all mushy. Or, let's say you played football at Nebraska and that's your team, fine. But if you're going to live in fantasy land and identify with something, make it a PROFESSIONAL something. Did you grow up dreaming of playing fullback at Texas Christian University? No kid in his backyard hits the winning three pointer for Auburn in his mind. NO! Fantasy time is play time and play time means have the best.

9. I just like college better. It's better. March Madness! Come on! Now that's exciting you have to admit!

No. Not more exciting than watching your hometown pro team winning it all. I would trade the next fifteen March Madnesses for a chance to see the Celtics make the finals this year. I would. MY pro team. Not some educational farm system team...

10. It's more competative?

Never end a lie with a question mark, pork pie. Obviously it's not. Ask Temple. Or Seton Hall. Or Grambling. The whole reason college sports have different competition levels is because not every school can compete. Even D-I schools have a hard time keeping up.

Wrap up.

This argument held much more weight 30 years ago. Once players started coming out in their junior year, it was over. College is a finishing school for most athletes. The ones who don't make it out by the end of their sophomore year usually don't make it out at all. It's a sub par farm system posing as an academic institution and it's sold to people who like to seem trendy and up on things.

The killer example is our beloved Boston Red Sox. No major metropolitan area has lived and died with a team as much as we have here in Boston. When they won the World Series in 2004, it was a strange feeling, almost as if God Himself had come down, stopped the clock on one moment in time and told everyone to rejoice.

I don't recall any college team ever doing that for its fan base.