Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Miracle Whip Will Not Tone It Down
You heard me! Miracle Whip is its own crazy ass blend of spices and shit and who the fuck are you to tell Miracle Whip what to do? Miracle Whip will not tone it down. So step the fuck off!
Can you tell the new Miracle Whip commercial got me hyped? You bet your clit, fucktoad. I want to dip my dick in a Miracle Whip filled condom and go to town! Oh, that commercial has me amped like a meth kid playing with a car battery. Jesus Christ, I want some Miracle Whip right now...
I've got this great idea for a Miracle Whip commercial as a follow up to the whole 'we won't tone it down' ad campaign.
A woman sits eating a sandwich. A guy comes over and asks her what she's got on her sandwich. Then, two kids in trench coats pop out and shoot her in the face with a gun. Then the guy eats the sanwich. "Miracle Whip will shoot you in the fucking mouth." Then a quick shot of someone cutting a chicken's head off.
We'll show them, Miracle Whip. They'll regret making fun of us!
I have to go. Kicked off the computer again. (will not tone it down)
Can you tell the new Miracle Whip commercial got me hyped? You bet your clit, fucktoad. I want to dip my dick in a Miracle Whip filled condom and go to town! Oh, that commercial has me amped like a meth kid playing with a car battery. Jesus Christ, I want some Miracle Whip right now...
I've got this great idea for a Miracle Whip commercial as a follow up to the whole 'we won't tone it down' ad campaign.
A woman sits eating a sandwich. A guy comes over and asks her what she's got on her sandwich. Then, two kids in trench coats pop out and shoot her in the face with a gun. Then the guy eats the sanwich. "Miracle Whip will shoot you in the fucking mouth." Then a quick shot of someone cutting a chicken's head off.
We'll show them, Miracle Whip. They'll regret making fun of us!
I have to go. Kicked off the computer again. (will not tone it down)
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Little League World Series Is Gay!
Okay, not gay as in gay like a fashion show, but gay as in retarded. Okay, not as retarded as those kids with the helmets, but black.
Let me start again.
The COVERAGE of the Little League World Series is gay. In the dog days of summer, there isn't much out there to cover, but give me a fuck slapping break! Kids play little league baseball across America and that's fine. I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT OR WATCH IT!
I could see if it was buried on the alt sports channels or like a 2 second blurb on the local news, but it's everywhere! It was on CNN! WHY??? I mean, Christ, it's like watching a carosel ride or something. What's next? Are we going to watch some douchebag kid making model airplanes? Fuck!
And look, I was a young boy once and yeah ya ya ya and that's great and stuff. But kids that age are fucking lame! I don't need to watch some toe headed inbred hick brat from Georgia cry because he made an error. Boys that age play like female softball players and they bleed like mentruating bitches and sleep with dollies.
It's NOT watchable. I'd rather go get beat up ay a pool hall in Cuba than watch this crap. ENOUGH. It's almost as bad as watching some dude's college wiffle ball game on YouTube...
Don't believe me?
Let me start again.
The COVERAGE of the Little League World Series is gay. In the dog days of summer, there isn't much out there to cover, but give me a fuck slapping break! Kids play little league baseball across America and that's fine. I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT OR WATCH IT!
I could see if it was buried on the alt sports channels or like a 2 second blurb on the local news, but it's everywhere! It was on CNN! WHY??? I mean, Christ, it's like watching a carosel ride or something. What's next? Are we going to watch some douchebag kid making model airplanes? Fuck!
And look, I was a young boy once and yeah ya ya ya and that's great and stuff. But kids that age are fucking lame! I don't need to watch some toe headed inbred hick brat from Georgia cry because he made an error. Boys that age play like female softball players and they bleed like mentruating bitches and sleep with dollies.
It's NOT watchable. I'd rather go get beat up ay a pool hall in Cuba than watch this crap. ENOUGH. It's almost as bad as watching some dude's college wiffle ball game on YouTube...
Don't believe me?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Archibald
Poor Archibald. He tried to find his missing nephew in Kingsport MA and was DRIVEN INSANE!!!
This video is for him:
This video is for him:
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Dungeon Ecology 101
And so begins our fair journey into the land of fantasy, for an exploration of the concept of dungeons and their workings. In order to understand these underworlds, we must first start with the basics.
What is a dungeon and why would we care?
A dungeon is a generic term used to describe any dangerous enclosure. In our real world, there are many places that fit this description. Unfortunately, they are not true dungeons. You see, a true dungeon not only has danger, but a reward usually in the form of gold pieces, treasure, gems, jewelry and magic items. Why else would an adventurer go in? In our world, perhaps the closest thing we have to adventurers and treasure is archaeologists and their digs. Not quite as exciting as a paladin in field plate wielding a holy avenger.
So, why should we care?
If you like the real world of desks and paperwork, you shouldn't care. If you hate this world and like to make up a silly world of halflings, demons and elves to hide in, then you should care very much, because dungeons are the foundation of any fantasy world. I cite examples:
Moria - for those of you born with permanent stuck-uppity literary tastes (or worse, no desire to read), Moria is a giant dwarven stronghold, long abandoned and inhabited by foul things, in J.R.R. Tolkien's 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy. Now, as far back a Beowulf there have been dungeons, but Moria is probably the prototype upon which many of the vast underground complexes found in today's fantasy gaming worlds are based.
The Labyrinth at Knossos - Greek Mythology. Lots of dungeons in there, but who can top a maze with a Minotaur in the middle!!! Come on! Plus Greek Mythology has some serious academic cred. Makes your gaming knowledge look believable and serious.
The Underworld - Found in many cultures, but for variety we can talk Egypt. Think of Isis venturing into the darkest of caves to find the entrance to the underdeep land of the dead to win back the thighbone of her lover, Osiris, to bring him back to life. The highlight of any campaign: resurrection!
The Grail Chapel - Depending on which Arthurian Legend you hold as canon, this is sometimes a cave, sometimes a hidden church, or sometimes and edifice in Petra that somehow leads into a series of traps with convenient word puzzles to save you. Whichever, there's no doubt that the Holy Grail was hidden in a dungeon and guarded by the living dead.
So, you see, dungeons leap out of legend and into the fantasy gaming world with irresistible force. Dungeons are the bread at the feast of gaming. Sure, you can have grand sweeping battles afield, or treks over mountain and under bough, but without dungeons, your players will have nothing to sop up the delicious dregs of your role playing soup.
Let's delve a bit deeper (pun completely intended, but with a very serious purpose) into the practical gaming definition of a dungeon. It has to be enclosed. That means, walls and a ceiling. No roof or walls, then it's ruins. Ruins are good, but they are usually just careless landmarks leading to proper dungeons. Can their be windows? Good question, sword wielder. Yes their can be windows. However, windows should always have some sort of devious purpose which makes the dungeon crawler feel better, but end up worse. Cursed windows serve this purpose well..
Dungeons need danger. What kind of danger? Good question, oathkeeper. Traps and enemies. Traps are any hidden device or structure that does something detrimental to the hero. Good traps do not kill, but merely take away prized possessions or vital stats or limbs. Traps that kill end adventures quick. Better to prolong the magic with traps that would, disarm, un-level, or harm the player. Enemies are hostile creatures, men, women, plants, spirits, mummies (or mummae, if you prefer), and other nasties that are alive or undead, but capable of fighting, eating and giving chase. All enemies should be hell bent on killing the players at all times. Some may use trickery, but players will see through the ruse and just attack enemies anyways, so most times it's better to just jump them right away. Example:
Parth Begallion is an 8th level fighter illusionist. he has seen many a dark day underneath the ground fighting the denizens of evil with his wand of fury and his great mace of cleaving. He encounters an old man sitting on a petrified stump in the middle of the stonewood, a local chain of dungeons filled with an underground forest. Parth sees the old man, who waves kindly to him and beckons him over.
"Okay, what is the old man wearing?" Parth's player asks. "Does he have a staff? What color are his eyes? I'm looking for scars. Do I sense any evil from him? I cast know mind, but I do it secretly so he doesn't know I'm casting a spell. Does he notice I'm casting a spell? Ah! He has spellcraft and must be a wizard! Why would an old wizard be sitting in the middle of the stoneforest waving nicely at me??? I attack."
You see, in the player's mind, anything alive in a dungeon is evil. That's true, because if it is alive... why would it choose to live in a dungeon? It has to be evil.
Okay, so after the enemies and traps are resolve, what be the reward? Come on. Dungeons aren't player magnets because they've got sexy legs. What's in it for them? Usually, magic items and treasure will suffice. In some high fallutin campaigns, characters have feelings and crap and so we can have the old 'vengeance' or 'quest for knowledge' or 'free the slaves' type reward, but it's not usually a good idea. Players, no matter how good their intentions upon entering a dungeon, will feel ripped off without treasure. But how much? Enough for repairs, lodging and a few slaves. Give one to three magic items per player, mostly potions and you're good.
And of course, always leave one item or clue on how to find the next dungeon.
Well, now that you now a bit about dungeons, we can move on to some of the more important questions concerning dungeon ecology. Questions like:
How did the dungeon get there?
Why did the enemies move in?
How do they survive there when players clearly could not?
What don't enemies fight each other, only players?
How did the treasure get there?
All in due time, my intrepid friends...
Until the next lesson, be at peace and rest in safety for the night. For no evil passes the doors of this Inn. I think.
Murk
What is a dungeon and why would we care?
A dungeon is a generic term used to describe any dangerous enclosure. In our real world, there are many places that fit this description. Unfortunately, they are not true dungeons. You see, a true dungeon not only has danger, but a reward usually in the form of gold pieces, treasure, gems, jewelry and magic items. Why else would an adventurer go in? In our world, perhaps the closest thing we have to adventurers and treasure is archaeologists and their digs. Not quite as exciting as a paladin in field plate wielding a holy avenger.
So, why should we care?
If you like the real world of desks and paperwork, you shouldn't care. If you hate this world and like to make up a silly world of halflings, demons and elves to hide in, then you should care very much, because dungeons are the foundation of any fantasy world. I cite examples:
Moria - for those of you born with permanent stuck-uppity literary tastes (or worse, no desire to read), Moria is a giant dwarven stronghold, long abandoned and inhabited by foul things, in J.R.R. Tolkien's 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy. Now, as far back a Beowulf there have been dungeons, but Moria is probably the prototype upon which many of the vast underground complexes found in today's fantasy gaming worlds are based.
The Labyrinth at Knossos - Greek Mythology. Lots of dungeons in there, but who can top a maze with a Minotaur in the middle!!! Come on! Plus Greek Mythology has some serious academic cred. Makes your gaming knowledge look believable and serious.
The Underworld - Found in many cultures, but for variety we can talk Egypt. Think of Isis venturing into the darkest of caves to find the entrance to the underdeep land of the dead to win back the thighbone of her lover, Osiris, to bring him back to life. The highlight of any campaign: resurrection!
The Grail Chapel - Depending on which Arthurian Legend you hold as canon, this is sometimes a cave, sometimes a hidden church, or sometimes and edifice in Petra that somehow leads into a series of traps with convenient word puzzles to save you. Whichever, there's no doubt that the Holy Grail was hidden in a dungeon and guarded by the living dead.
So, you see, dungeons leap out of legend and into the fantasy gaming world with irresistible force. Dungeons are the bread at the feast of gaming. Sure, you can have grand sweeping battles afield, or treks over mountain and under bough, but without dungeons, your players will have nothing to sop up the delicious dregs of your role playing soup.
Let's delve a bit deeper (pun completely intended, but with a very serious purpose) into the practical gaming definition of a dungeon. It has to be enclosed. That means, walls and a ceiling. No roof or walls, then it's ruins. Ruins are good, but they are usually just careless landmarks leading to proper dungeons. Can their be windows? Good question, sword wielder. Yes their can be windows. However, windows should always have some sort of devious purpose which makes the dungeon crawler feel better, but end up worse. Cursed windows serve this purpose well..
Dungeons need danger. What kind of danger? Good question, oathkeeper. Traps and enemies. Traps are any hidden device or structure that does something detrimental to the hero. Good traps do not kill, but merely take away prized possessions or vital stats or limbs. Traps that kill end adventures quick. Better to prolong the magic with traps that would, disarm, un-level, or harm the player. Enemies are hostile creatures, men, women, plants, spirits, mummies (or mummae, if you prefer), and other nasties that are alive or undead, but capable of fighting, eating and giving chase. All enemies should be hell bent on killing the players at all times. Some may use trickery, but players will see through the ruse and just attack enemies anyways, so most times it's better to just jump them right away. Example:
Parth Begallion is an 8th level fighter illusionist. he has seen many a dark day underneath the ground fighting the denizens of evil with his wand of fury and his great mace of cleaving. He encounters an old man sitting on a petrified stump in the middle of the stonewood, a local chain of dungeons filled with an underground forest. Parth sees the old man, who waves kindly to him and beckons him over.
"Okay, what is the old man wearing?" Parth's player asks. "Does he have a staff? What color are his eyes? I'm looking for scars. Do I sense any evil from him? I cast know mind, but I do it secretly so he doesn't know I'm casting a spell. Does he notice I'm casting a spell? Ah! He has spellcraft and must be a wizard! Why would an old wizard be sitting in the middle of the stoneforest waving nicely at me??? I attack."
You see, in the player's mind, anything alive in a dungeon is evil. That's true, because if it is alive... why would it choose to live in a dungeon? It has to be evil.
Okay, so after the enemies and traps are resolve, what be the reward? Come on. Dungeons aren't player magnets because they've got sexy legs. What's in it for them? Usually, magic items and treasure will suffice. In some high fallutin campaigns, characters have feelings and crap and so we can have the old 'vengeance' or 'quest for knowledge' or 'free the slaves' type reward, but it's not usually a good idea. Players, no matter how good their intentions upon entering a dungeon, will feel ripped off without treasure. But how much? Enough for repairs, lodging and a few slaves. Give one to three magic items per player, mostly potions and you're good.
And of course, always leave one item or clue on how to find the next dungeon.
Well, now that you now a bit about dungeons, we can move on to some of the more important questions concerning dungeon ecology. Questions like:
How did the dungeon get there?
Why did the enemies move in?
How do they survive there when players clearly could not?
What don't enemies fight each other, only players?
How did the treasure get there?
All in due time, my intrepid friends...
Until the next lesson, be at peace and rest in safety for the night. For no evil passes the doors of this Inn. I think.
Murk
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Wright Brothers, Space and The Germans
How did we get to the moon? On a balsa wood and paper kite. Back up.
A long time ago, people found out that stuff lighter than water floats. Then, people found out that stuff lighter than air flies. But but... birds aren't lighter than air! They fly! WHAT THE FUCK??? Oh... Air is a substance we can push on...
Yeah. Wind pushed us. If you shoot air out the end of a balloon, it flies off. Rockets. pressurized gas pushing on the earth and the air beneath... lifting...
The Wright Brothers got it. Make a large surface. Raise the air pressure beneath. It will lift heavy objects. From their we thought about space. But wait. There's no air in space. No problem, bro. See, the germans were sickos during WWII and didn't mind running crazy experiments on people. They made expensive pressure chambers and tested them on humans to see... well, what would happen. Also, they had rockets. Rockets went very high up into the air... to the edge of space.
But sooner or later, the smart people (scientists) in germany realized that the Nazis were going to kill almost everyone and so they left and went out into the US desert. First, they applied their huge brains to winning the big war. Then, they all went to NASA and the Air Force.
Next thing you know, we're in space.
Backstory:
The idea of going into space was contemplated by scientists for a very long time before we became technichally advanced enough to do so. Literally, our ability to manipulate had to catch up with our ability to think. The theories were there and ready to be tested as soon as the machinists could make the instruments precise enough to build the devices. Let's put it this way, the theory was ready around 1923. It took 40 odd years to get the devices to implement the theory.
The same is true of our technology today. We are living in a world designed 40 years ago. In 1969. The theory of 1969 is the reality of today. And in 1969 humans landed on the moon based on theories from 40 years before that.
Now, look at the theories scientists are working on today. Set your watch. And wait 40 years. You think we've got weird shit going onin 2009? Oh. Just wait.
By the way, you might live a lot longer than you think. Just ask the people from the 1920s that are still around...
A long time ago, people found out that stuff lighter than water floats. Then, people found out that stuff lighter than air flies. But but... birds aren't lighter than air! They fly! WHAT THE FUCK??? Oh... Air is a substance we can push on...
Yeah. Wind pushed us. If you shoot air out the end of a balloon, it flies off. Rockets. pressurized gas pushing on the earth and the air beneath... lifting...
The Wright Brothers got it. Make a large surface. Raise the air pressure beneath. It will lift heavy objects. From their we thought about space. But wait. There's no air in space. No problem, bro. See, the germans were sickos during WWII and didn't mind running crazy experiments on people. They made expensive pressure chambers and tested them on humans to see... well, what would happen. Also, they had rockets. Rockets went very high up into the air... to the edge of space.
But sooner or later, the smart people (scientists) in germany realized that the Nazis were going to kill almost everyone and so they left and went out into the US desert. First, they applied their huge brains to winning the big war. Then, they all went to NASA and the Air Force.
Next thing you know, we're in space.
Backstory:
The idea of going into space was contemplated by scientists for a very long time before we became technichally advanced enough to do so. Literally, our ability to manipulate had to catch up with our ability to think. The theories were there and ready to be tested as soon as the machinists could make the instruments precise enough to build the devices. Let's put it this way, the theory was ready around 1923. It took 40 odd years to get the devices to implement the theory.
The same is true of our technology today. We are living in a world designed 40 years ago. In 1969. The theory of 1969 is the reality of today. And in 1969 humans landed on the moon based on theories from 40 years before that.
Now, look at the theories scientists are working on today. Set your watch. And wait 40 years. You think we've got weird shit going onin 2009? Oh. Just wait.
By the way, you might live a lot longer than you think. Just ask the people from the 1920s that are still around...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Demons
People don't believe in demons and rightly so. There are no other planar entities that come to our planet to make with the mischief on humankind. However, let's not dump on the old traditions wholesale. There's always a shred of truth to any old superstition or practice.
People become engrossed in thinking. They crave ideas and look to find new ones, new solutions, new ways of coping with life. Eventually, some ideas become so ingrained that they take over the normal behavior patterns of people. Now, speculation about mental illness being the cause of 'demons' is nothing new. That's not what I'm suggesting.
The world was thought to be positively infested by spirits and demons before the age of reasons. everything had a sort of spirit or soul to it. people were adamant about that. We tend to toss out these old ideas as stupidity. No no. They might not be true, but the ideas didn't come out of nowhere. People used spirits to explain a heck of a lot of things. Foul moods, ilnesses, bad weather, you name it.
But it all came back to human perception. The world itself happens of its own volition. We watch it and assign meaning. Why did we make demons? To explain bad events or really weird behavior. Why demons? It's human nature to see evil, hear evil, speak evil and do evil. But why admit that? So, we take the human traits we despise, make them stronger, supernatural, then we layer them over our world.
Every bad idea, every crime, every disgusting thought lurches forth to our minds and then we roll them into a hideous creature with other worldly power and then we have the demon.
We know they're not real.
Fine.
But the events and behaviors we attributed to demons are still there.
So.
There's no supernatural power that's causing these behaviors and events, but they still happen...
I think I like blaming the demon better than the alternative.
People become engrossed in thinking. They crave ideas and look to find new ones, new solutions, new ways of coping with life. Eventually, some ideas become so ingrained that they take over the normal behavior patterns of people. Now, speculation about mental illness being the cause of 'demons' is nothing new. That's not what I'm suggesting.
The world was thought to be positively infested by spirits and demons before the age of reasons. everything had a sort of spirit or soul to it. people were adamant about that. We tend to toss out these old ideas as stupidity. No no. They might not be true, but the ideas didn't come out of nowhere. People used spirits to explain a heck of a lot of things. Foul moods, ilnesses, bad weather, you name it.
But it all came back to human perception. The world itself happens of its own volition. We watch it and assign meaning. Why did we make demons? To explain bad events or really weird behavior. Why demons? It's human nature to see evil, hear evil, speak evil and do evil. But why admit that? So, we take the human traits we despise, make them stronger, supernatural, then we layer them over our world.
Every bad idea, every crime, every disgusting thought lurches forth to our minds and then we roll them into a hideous creature with other worldly power and then we have the demon.
We know they're not real.
Fine.
But the events and behaviors we attributed to demons are still there.
So.
There's no supernatural power that's causing these behaviors and events, but they still happen...
I think I like blaming the demon better than the alternative.
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