Reader Response

Yes, I still get emails, but most of them are either too serious or complaints. Here's a fun one:

Dear Dr. Murk,

You ever wonder why some guys use only their zipper when taking a piss and some guys open up and pull down?

Chauncey


Well, Chauncey, I have a few theories. A little background for the penis deprived, first. Ladies, men don't even have to unbutton their pants to pee. They can unzip, work the underwear flap, exctract pink fun stick and go. But, this can be a delicate arraingement. There's crimping the flow, poor extension leading to front wetting, splashback and zipper safety to consider.

One way of avoiding these complications is to just pull down, fire and forget. I favor this method for simplicity and because I yank down to the knees in public bathrooms to scare a two urinal space around me. Oddly, some other men find this a challenge and stand right next to me and pull down to the knees. This usually leads to some fun conversations like, "Man, you are hung like a mammoth!" "Thanks. You got a lucky wife too, I see."

But for some, discretion is the better part of valour. In other words, they are ashamed of their lower being. They figure, if we only see a little mushroom cap peeking out that it's their pants fault. Usually it's TDS.

Which leads to the heart of my theory. Zippers are standard on most pants, even women's pants. They were designed to aid in the wearing and removal of pants. They are not a ninja door for your purple helmeted soldier. I try not to sneak willy past anything metal with teeth.

I suppose you could say it takes bravery to put your rose coloured tree of defilement in harms way for the sake of modesty and social order, but aren't we just making excuses for more confining societal rules about public exposure? I say what makes it indecent is that other people refuse to look! Look what I have, dammit! Look on it and tremble!

So, fairies pee through the zipper, men yank and spray.