A Children's Book

Shoe Bear
by Dr. Robert J. Murk

Once, in the land of Magical Surprises, there lived a happy village of people called the Choos. They were so happy because all of them had the bestest, comfortablest shoes in the Multiverse.

One day, a giant hairy stranger Named Shoe Bear came to town. He was from a parallel membrane that had bumped into the Brane of Bliss in which the Land of Magical Surprise existed.

The Choos welcomed this stranger from the Shadowverse (as they called Brane 31xKp, where Shoe Bear came from). They sang him such a merry song of derring do that he collapsed in tears.

"Ohhhhwah," he said in his Louis Armstong crooning bear voice, "Thank you. Thank you. I been so sad livin in my ole Brane 31xKp. I sooooo glad you all sang me sucha luuuuvly song!"

"Hey," one Choo said, "What the hell is Tree Won Escapey?"

"No no," Shoe Bear said, "You got it all wrong! It's jus a bunch of numbahs and lettahs."

"Num Bars and Lettuce sounds delicious," another Choo said.

"What are you all," Shoe Bear asked, smiling, "A bunch a Meth Head? It's 3-1-s-K-p!"

"Oh," the Choos said, slapping each other in the groin, which was their customary sign of stupidity. Then, they sang another song for Shoe Bear.

Shoe Bear was so greatful he made them a promise.

"Now," he said, "I'm gone go away for a few days an seein' as you all like yo shoes so much, an me being a Shoe Bear an wutnot, I'm gone go like I says an make yous all a bunch o shoes like you never dun seen!"

There was a considerable reaction to this. The Choos punched themselves in the eye in their customary way of showing absolute joy!

And so the days passed.

A month later, a Choo was heard to ask aloud, "Say, where is that Shoe Bear fellow and all thos new shoes he promissed?"

"Maybe," another Choo suggested, "He was just some crazy dickhead."

But lo! Bounding over the hills at that moment came Shoe Bear! He had a bag of shoes.

"Oh my," he said as the Choos rushed out to greet him, "You show all got some tiny feet there." He pulled out a pair of shoes that was very small. He knocked one of the Choos to the ground and tugged his shoes off. "Let's jus fix you up propper," Shoe Bear said as he tried as hard as he could to get the tiny shoe on the tiny Choos' foot.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!" the Choo screamed in pain, "AHHHHHHHH!!! SWEET MOTHER OF FREAKING HELL!!! STOP!!!!"

"Shut up, ya little bitch," Shoe Bear said, "Shoes gotta be tight at first to fit right."

"You're breaking his bones!" another Choo screamed. Pop, snap, crack went the bones in his foot, but soon enough, the shoes were on.

"Now, you better run away before I gets thirsty for your blood," Shoe Bear said, but it was too late. Shoe Bear had bit him hard in the neck and drank him warm and yummy.

The other Choos stood and watched in shock.

"Whoa," one said. "Those shoes don't fit very well at all!"

"Let's run away," one suggested. But Shoe Bear was too clever. He'd already started ramming shoes onto other Choos' feet. Crinkle, CRACK, crunch, went the bones. AHHHHHHH! went the Choo.

One by one, Shoe Bear broke their feet in tiny shoes and drank them warm and yummy. Then, he noticed all the Choos were dead and empty of blood. He gathered up all of their old shoes and put them in the bag he carried.

"These some damn fine shoes they got," he said. "Now, I just need to find a town wit some people with slightly bigger feet."

The End