The Hierarchy of Beings

In life, we are forced to make many choices. The choices we make place us on the ladder of success. Most people agree that you can't objectively measure a person's success by their occupation alone.

Bullshit.

Using my patented 28 step divisional substrate process, I hace managed to piece together a hierarchy of beings. Yeah, sure, we all know that Lawyers, Doctors and President Obama are on the bottom. But who is on top and why?

7. Vampyres - Coming in dead last out of our top seven beings of all time are vampyres. Scary. Charming. Scary. Cute. Fightening and gross. Vampyres have it all over you. They are the best of the best, except for numbers 6 through 1.

6. Pirate - A pirate could easily kill a vampyre with a sword. You can't believe everything you read. Why so low on the charts? Hey, six is pretty good, you mangy African cocksuckers. When you see who ranky higher, you'll learn better. Pirates, way cool, but calm the fuck down.

5. Dinosaurs - Now, I know what you're thinking... YES!!!! This rocks! I know! Dinos are so fucking huge and tramplicious that they have to be on this list, easting and stomping everything below including firemen and cheesecake makers. BOOM BOMM BOMM! REEEEOOOAAAAAR!!!! Crunch crunch crunh.

4. Clowns - Including mimes. This is where faith comes in. Kinda like faith in an invisible fairy that waits around for you to summon it to do your bidding. But where there is faith, there is proof. A clown could stop a dinosaur with a sub-machine gun or his dick. If it's a girl mime, she could nag it with confusing hand gestures of doom.

4a. - Muppets

3. Ninjas - I know, I know, like the dinosaurs, right? We all know about ninjas. I don't even have to cite the hundreds of masters in America or those movies with the guy who cuts that mutherfucker's throat. Nijas are tough to beat. You go to punch them, they're not there. You got to read the paper, they force open your mouth and spit poison in. It's that simple.

2. Ghosts - Even ninjas have fears. A ghost is like a nija you just can't fuck with because ghosts don't give a fucking fuck. They're ethereal, man. Don't you get it? Ninja ain't killing that shit! And who do you think makes all those ghosts? Ninjas. Who are the ghosts pissed at? Ninjas. Now you're cooking with sake, Waki-san. Hiya!

1. Muhammad - Follow me here. First off, he's dead, therefore a ghost. That bumps him to number 2. Also, he commands an army of human sand fleas that will kill in his name just for some tail in the afterlife. He's like Sgt. Rock with invisibility and an RPG with unlimited charges. He is like the numbah won ghost king and he's pissed off all the time. He'd kill the Buddha and nail Jesus back up on the cross and yell "Stay there until I say you can come back down."

Well, that concludes this braodcast. I'm just letting a muthafucker know what's up.