Hello. My name is Dr. Robert J. Murk. If you are reading this, you are at my blog. Welcome, ya mangy fucktwist. I hope you do enjoy. I'm really keen on that.
So, if this is not your first time here, you might be a sayin', 'Bob, where you been and what you been a doin'?' You want a map? Fine.
As much as I love you all, I was doing life stuff. Making money, initiating projects, negotiating the surrender of Haiti, bawlin chicks and roasting delicious birds over a giant fire. The fire was my neighbor's house.
In all seriousness, I've been writing my new number one bestseller help book called, "You Outrageous Titty Fuckers: The Story of How Murk Fixed All His Good Friends for Good." Yes, my alternate title, "Murk: Fix The Ones You Love" got canned by my publisher. I hope they like the new title. I hope you smell ass and die.
I'm trying to be serious and it's not working. So, you want a sneak peek at my book, huh? Self help is such a money maker. I'll give you a preview, but I'm editing out anything good that you should, by rights pay for. Fair. Yes it is, cheapshit.
"The moment one realizes that eliminating [removed] from one's life by...
... translated correctly means... all wealth and power become yours by [removed]... ... ... collision on sub atomic levels... neurotransmitter seretonin... * ... fuckers... secret masonic buncker located in [removed]... Michael Jackson bleeding to death... rich, corinthian leather... lots of towels for this process."
And that's just the first paragraph!
So, if this book is released via Publish on Demand, who would buy it? I'm glad we met, suckers!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Letter to Myself
The Malach meme is here to stay and now I need to follow orders from Eve and do the letter. For those of you not in the know, the Malach Meme is a letter to your younger self. I reach back to age 13.
Dear Robby,
This is your older self. Your brother came up with the bright idea of getting a bunch of people to write letters to themselves and so, being his faithful servant, I write to you.
I have advice for you. You hate advice. The situation is, well, precarious at best. You tend to do the opposite of what people tell you to do. Bear in mind, I'm still as stubborn as anyone and even I can't argue with following the advice I give to you. It's good advice and you can take all the credit for it, because I am you etc etc.
1. Don't ever drink alcohol again. We end up wasting a good seven years of our lives trying to hang on to a habit that does nothing for us. You are going to have to trust me on this one.
2. Don't take up smoking. Very soon, most people your age will think it's dumb anyways.
3. Forget everyone but family. The friends you have now and will make in the future don't even stick around.
4. There's a few friends later on who technically are family. One is your wife. She doesn't show up until the end of high school.
5. Go to film school. Steal every piece of equipment you can. Don't get into writing scripts. Just get out there and film and edit.
6. Technology. Especially computers. Can't stress that enough. Huge. Draw your own conclusions.
7. Relax. If you don't, you'll be very unhappy.
8. Do better in school. Seriously. You're better than that.
9. The less you say, the better. Let other do the talking. Listen, learn and let other people talk.
10. You do just fine. House, pretty wife, nice car. You even make a bit of money from time to time. You don't need much more. In fact, if you try and get more, you might lose the stuff you have.
Look. I hate to say it, but you're 13 and you don't know shit. Don't get all pissy, fix it. Learn everything you can from every possible source. Then, toss all that learning out and figure out what real intelligence means. Shut your mouth, love the simple stuff, quit worrying and work as hard as you can without going nuts.
Oh, and everything is made up inside your head. Repeat it until you believe it, and sooner or later it becomes truth. The best thing you can do is repeat the positive stuff over and over. Life will provide enough negativity to balance you out.
Here are the key words:
Internet, 1999 stock crash, Rebecca S., Bridgewater, Masons, Graeme, Brothers, circles, web sites, digital video, family, experiment, unity, and patience.
Other than that, you take 2 jobs you swore you never would and don't get involved in gossip and lies. Try never to gossip or lie and your world will be much better.
Remember, shut up and listen. Vital information is there for the taking.
I won't spoil anything else for you. Surprises, even bad ones, are fun.
Bye,
Murk
Dear Robby,
This is your older self. Your brother came up with the bright idea of getting a bunch of people to write letters to themselves and so, being his faithful servant, I write to you.
I have advice for you. You hate advice. The situation is, well, precarious at best. You tend to do the opposite of what people tell you to do. Bear in mind, I'm still as stubborn as anyone and even I can't argue with following the advice I give to you. It's good advice and you can take all the credit for it, because I am you etc etc.
1. Don't ever drink alcohol again. We end up wasting a good seven years of our lives trying to hang on to a habit that does nothing for us. You are going to have to trust me on this one.
2. Don't take up smoking. Very soon, most people your age will think it's dumb anyways.
3. Forget everyone but family. The friends you have now and will make in the future don't even stick around.
4. There's a few friends later on who technically are family. One is your wife. She doesn't show up until the end of high school.
5. Go to film school. Steal every piece of equipment you can. Don't get into writing scripts. Just get out there and film and edit.
6. Technology. Especially computers. Can't stress that enough. Huge. Draw your own conclusions.
7. Relax. If you don't, you'll be very unhappy.
8. Do better in school. Seriously. You're better than that.
9. The less you say, the better. Let other do the talking. Listen, learn and let other people talk.
10. You do just fine. House, pretty wife, nice car. You even make a bit of money from time to time. You don't need much more. In fact, if you try and get more, you might lose the stuff you have.
Look. I hate to say it, but you're 13 and you don't know shit. Don't get all pissy, fix it. Learn everything you can from every possible source. Then, toss all that learning out and figure out what real intelligence means. Shut your mouth, love the simple stuff, quit worrying and work as hard as you can without going nuts.
Oh, and everything is made up inside your head. Repeat it until you believe it, and sooner or later it becomes truth. The best thing you can do is repeat the positive stuff over and over. Life will provide enough negativity to balance you out.
Here are the key words:
Internet, 1999 stock crash, Rebecca S., Bridgewater, Masons, Graeme, Brothers, circles, web sites, digital video, family, experiment, unity, and patience.
Other than that, you take 2 jobs you swore you never would and don't get involved in gossip and lies. Try never to gossip or lie and your world will be much better.
Remember, shut up and listen. Vital information is there for the taking.
I won't spoil anything else for you. Surprises, even bad ones, are fun.
Bye,
Murk
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Op Ed
Thursday is the day for my weekly Op Ed piece. What? No. I didn't start until today, dumbass. Fine, be that way.
Editorial:
Cops on Bicycles.
Police hate bicycles. Watch the TV show 'Cops' for a few episodes and you will see them take a perp off a bike and NEEDLESSLY KICK THE BIKE on the way down. Oh sure, in some episodes you see Cops on Bicycles, but that's just part of a sensitivity training program for Cops who refuse to take a leave of absence for spiting on minorities. Start with the bikes, is their philosophy. If a Cop can ride a bike without kicking it, he or she can certainly be tolerant of the 'other races'.
Personally, I bear no ill will towards bicycles as a group. Some of my best friends are bicycles. I mean, hell, haven'y we all tried riding one at least once? I tried it, it wasn't for me. I was experimenting with a lot of drugs at the time and was mixed up and had no transportation. You'd have done the same thing.
So, Cops kinda suck if they hate bicycles for no reason, right? Well, they suck even if they have a reason. Most Cops would LOVE to ride a bicycle and are secretly fond of them. So, they kick them on the way down. It's like riding them, in a way, only much more violent.
Not all Cops hate bicycles. The previous statement is false.
I once saw a Cop piss on a bicycle. He saw me watching and waved. He WAVED while PISSING on a BICYCLE in broad daylight and no one did anything. A week later, I received a threatening Birthday Card. "Happy Birthday," it said. "Don't fuck with me or I'll kill you." I cn only assume it was that Cop. They're so clever. There's no way to prove he was serious, the judge said. At least he said he was the judge when I met him at the park and ride to discuss bicycles.
So, if you're riding a bike and you see a Cop, don't be surprised when you end up in jail!
Murk.
Editorial:
Cops on Bicycles.
Police hate bicycles. Watch the TV show 'Cops' for a few episodes and you will see them take a perp off a bike and NEEDLESSLY KICK THE BIKE on the way down. Oh sure, in some episodes you see Cops on Bicycles, but that's just part of a sensitivity training program for Cops who refuse to take a leave of absence for spiting on minorities. Start with the bikes, is their philosophy. If a Cop can ride a bike without kicking it, he or she can certainly be tolerant of the 'other races'.
Personally, I bear no ill will towards bicycles as a group. Some of my best friends are bicycles. I mean, hell, haven'y we all tried riding one at least once? I tried it, it wasn't for me. I was experimenting with a lot of drugs at the time and was mixed up and had no transportation. You'd have done the same thing.
So, Cops kinda suck if they hate bicycles for no reason, right? Well, they suck even if they have a reason. Most Cops would LOVE to ride a bicycle and are secretly fond of them. So, they kick them on the way down. It's like riding them, in a way, only much more violent.
Not all Cops hate bicycles. The previous statement is false.
I once saw a Cop piss on a bicycle. He saw me watching and waved. He WAVED while PISSING on a BICYCLE in broad daylight and no one did anything. A week later, I received a threatening Birthday Card. "Happy Birthday," it said. "Don't fuck with me or I'll kill you." I cn only assume it was that Cop. They're so clever. There's no way to prove he was serious, the judge said. At least he said he was the judge when I met him at the park and ride to discuss bicycles.
So, if you're riding a bike and you see a Cop, don't be surprised when you end up in jail!
Murk.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
HEY! UNIVERSE!!!!!!! YOU'RE NEXT!!!!!
There's a Murksplosion coming...... ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
