Da Werld Ceres

So.

Pedro Martinez will pitch in Game 2 of the Baseball World Series against the Yankees. In Yankee Stadium.

Now, I should hate Pedro Martinez, but I don't. He's a cocky little guy who smiles and somehow manages to keep pitching despite his lack of arm over the last 4 years. He shot his way out of Boston and made a complete pubic hair out of himself in the process. BUT.

Now he's pitching against the Yankees in a World Series. So.

Um.

Vote for Pedro.

The Jose Cuervo Jackass

Tequilla tastes like gasoline. Good tequilla tastes like high test gasoline. The jackass on the Jose Cuervo commercials tastes like puke in my mouth. I don't drink and haven't for 3 years. And sure, I used to drink tequilla. Lots of it. But this guy...

He's got this tough guy Italian accent. He is, in his own little quaint way, acting like he's the pope of liquor town, complaining about how high priced tequilla is stupid and how awesome and cool he is for drinking bargain brand hooch. In his fancy Italian suit. With his black wingtips, which somehow always make it into the commercial even though he's sitting behind a table.

Seriously. This isn't his actual schpiel, but here's my imitation, in writing:

"Yo. Fancy tequilla is too fancy for my friggin' tastes. I'm just a regula guy who dresses wicked fancy and talks like dis. So, yous guys who drink dat fancy sissy crap are loooosas. I'm a man. I drink dis shit. So should you. Capice? Eh. Drink up, cockknobs! I'm smooth. Ladies? Yeah. Dig me, huh?"

I can hadnle Pepsi going to work on Coke's image to up sales. Pepsi is a soda and it's comparable. I can deal with auto insurance commercials calling other companies out by name. I can stomach fast food chains making fun of each other. Fine. But JOSE CUERVO???

Tequilla is all piss. If you drink urine, and complain that the fancy urine is all velvet ropes and red carpet and that the good old cheap urine is much cooler, you're nuts. You still drink urine. You can wear a nice suit. You can talk like a tough guy, but you still smell like pee pee.

So, here's the fuckyou to the tequilla guy. fuckyou.

Yo, Old People!

The Jitterbug phone looks like a toilet seat!



Some wireless telephony company thinks...

a. You will buy a phone named Jitterbug because you were a flapper in the roaring twenties.

b. You talk to toilet seats and like taking craps.

c. Need special buttons to dial a phone because you never used a phone with numbers before! DUH DUH DUH!!!

5. You're used to a soft phone, because those rock hard phones broke your cheekbone.

s. Old people hate contracts and would never sign one.

#. You call the operator for any situation you can't handle by your crippled demented self.

Please don't buy the Jitterbug, old people. If you can't figure out these new fangled whatsit phones... DON'T FUCKING BUY ONE! Use your home phone and get life alert.

JITTERBUG IS A CRAPPY FUCK PHONE BACKED BY A MARKETING PLOY OF ZIONIST DEVILS LOOKING TO STEAL YOUR JEWELRY AND EAT YOUR GRANDKIDS!!!

This has been a public service announcement from some guy who writes a dumbass blog.

Last Night at Dr. Murk's

Joaquin Phoenix tried to kill me.

This Just In...

Tom Brady still has snakes.


Not to worry, New England.

I have big time bats!



Yes. I admit it. I suffer from bats, big time. I have had big time bats for years now. It's not as bad as having the AIDS or HEP-C (Oh yeah!!!!), but big time bats are a serious problem.

I go to work? Big time bats. I come home. Yup. Still got big time bats. I go swimming... you got it. Big time bats all over the pool, bothering all swimmers. It's not sexy. You ever try to make sweet passion to a lady while your big time bats flare up? It isn't ideal.

And I'm not alone. Many studs have big time bats. Bon Jovi. Ted Dansen. Fredrick Mercury. The list goes on for seconds. So, if you know someone with big time bast, quit laughing. Someday, it may or may not be you or someone you've seen or never heard of. Please. Stop staring.

Fank you.