Florida

Plastic. It's one word that comes to mind when I think of this place. Granted, we're just south of Orlando, and Orlando is made of plastic. Nothing here looks real or solid. Everything looks pre-fab and cheaply made. Houses built two years ago already losing paint just from rainfall.

For those of you keeping score at home, yes, I am enjoying my vacation immensly. It is warm, quiet and very very far away from the Palatial Mansion, with its roof leaks and wet, uderground dungeons with failing sump pumps.

But, Florida is Hell. It's a land of tourists and stuff that tourists dig. I rarely ever go tourist when I go places. I think Europe might set me all askew and touristy. New York sometimes did. Los Angeles did not. But Orlando? Awwww hell no. The only touristy things I do here I do when forced to one of the parks.

This year, Animal Kingdom. I'd fooled myself into thinking it might be a wildlife resevre with a Disney flavour. Instead it was a Disney Park that disguised itself as an Eco-Friendly theme park based on something someone had seen in National Goegraphic.

According to Animak Kingdom, wildlife is in Afrca, Asia, Dinolands, Camp Mickey/Mini, Rafiki's Planet Watch and Discovery (tm) Island. The largest tree is a huge plastic monstrosity with 'animals' carved into it.

1. One should not encourage children to carve up trees.
2. It's plastic.
3. Diesel trucks, vans, trains, rides etc buzz all around it.

Pros: I saw some animals I would never have seen.

Cons: The animals were owned by Disney.

Now, let's not exlude the greater Orlando area. The whole place is slap-a-fresh-coat-of-paint-on fake. Even the television news. People skipped work to watch the shuttle land in high def.

Look. It's a vacation and vacations are wonderful and the weather and the pool and the food are all great, but I'm sorry... Orlando is one of the most insincere places on the planet.

And to all of you not on vacation right now...

I'm completely full of shit. This is awesome! Sucks to be you!!!! I'm in Orlando, mutha-fucka!

Orlando sucks but sure beats wherever you are!