The Longest Blog Entry Ever (Edited with intro)

(Edit: THIS IS MY RANT. Keep your freaking self pitying, "oh me oh my, this must be about me" ego crap out of it. Respond as you see fit, but if you hurt me in any way, you'd know it. If you can't figure out if you did or not, you didn't. I'm not going to make lists so that some people can feel better about themselves. I don't want you to feel better. I want you to think. I want ME to feel better. ME. It has never been about ME, now it is.)

And probably my last for a long time, but I will look at the comments, so please feel free to respond multiple times and I'll get back to you. Maintaining a running blog, at this point for me, is poitless.

First off, as some of you know, in real life I have some clinical psychological issues. This makes it tough for me to understand and articulate what goes on in my head. It's not wholly unpleasant and sometimes downright fun, but most of the times it painful in the physical sense and upsetting socially.

I love you people, really I do. It takes a lot of courage to post about your lives like you do. I post about a fictional angry guy with a fake doctorate. I like to insult wewcomers to see if they can take a joke. Many many many of you have passed that (admittedly childish) test.

Now, I've gotten to the point where I have nothing left to write except truly hurtful mockery and sarcastic crap which will no doubt fit right in with my usual show. But the intent has changed. I'm not full of joking angst anymore. I've grown nihilistic to a very unlikable degree and find most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to properly see my very real problem, let alone know how to try and help me.

I love the jokes about my meds, because I'm on meds. I love the jokes about my insanity because I have real psychological disorders. I especially love the jokes about 'falling off the wagon' because I've been sober for close to 2 and 1/2 years now with one minor four Guiness slip. I've quit smoking. I excercise and still... Nothing has changed.

The meds, the therapy, the clean living has not helped to the degree I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to keep going forward because it's what I want to do, but I've come to the conclusion that, even the congratulations, the sympathies, the thoughs and prayers, the encouragement are not for me. They're either obligatory responses programmed by years of television or they are self indulgent please for me not to screw up and make everyone worry again.

There are exceptions, of course. My mother and father to name two. There are about 3 others. I won't name them because if I do, those I leave off will melt into an indignant rage as say "How dare he question my concern!!!" Yeah, I do question most of your concern. Do us both a favor and just assume your one of the truly concerned or unnamed three.

And don't call me or write to me to ask if I'm okay at this point. That time is gone now and the answer is no, I'm not okay. Who is these days?

So, I've tried many plans to succeed in life and failed in all but a few. I'm still not satisfied, I still refuse to give up my dream of a tolerable existance where a person like me who can't live a hectic 21st century life will find shelter and rest. I am not quitting on my dreams.

I'm also not sharing them anymore. I can't stand to be the subject of an "I told you so" conversation anymore. You've all taught me to doubt myself (with exceptions again, of course, some of you have been more than supportive). I'm through with all that. I'm going to live how I want on my terms and help where I can and ignore the emotional leeches and human anchors that have attached themselves to me. I'm not abandoning anyone. I still love you all. I'm just not going to listen to a bunch of bullshit that makes me feel like the bad guy so that someone else can feel good, justified, correct or complete by thrusting their selfish ego driven crap onto my life and my actions.

Liberacion!

End.