The Gift

So, before I launch into a tirade, I will give some background information. I have been tolerating a certain ad campaign by a certain retailer for over three months now. I've had enough. I'm not sure if these ads are regional or national. I can guarantee they're not oversees. So if you haven't seen or heard of this company or their ads, fear not. Join me in a rant about something which you've never seen.

Jewelry. I understand the appeal, ladies. I get it. Take some hard earned money and buy a lady something impractical that tells the other ladies that you've got your man so whipped he'll do anything. I really get it.

BUT, have you seen the smut the goldsmiths and diamond dealers think you'll fall for? Here's a few facts before I go off:

1. If your man shops at a chain jewelery store that he saw on TV, then your man is an idiot. Real jewelry comes from real jewelers who don't have to advertised and are not found in a mall.

2. Chain jewelers are junk peddlers. The advertise because they want women to think they want what all the other women want. If you get the same gift from the same store as the next bimbo, then you must be trashy.

So, when a a jewelry store claims that the best thing you can hear is "He went to Jared!!!!!", they are saying "You'll want what we tell you to want, you fat hog, and what you want is mass produced whoreglass and gold plated nickel crap trinkets like the circus freaks and your friends have!!!!"

Jared is the K-Mart of jewelry chains. In short, if he didn't go to Jared, be glad. Real bling isn't made in a factory.

Take the Dr. Murk Quiz!

Question the first:

1. You are Dr. Murk. What is the first thing you do?

a.) Take out life insurance policy on butler.

b.) Rake hoat coals and walk barefoot across.

c.) Stab a homeless guy.

d.) Reneg on contract with the dark one.

Question the deuce:

2. The locals are striking again. To quell the petit rebellion, you...

a.) Light a muthafucker on fire as an example.

b.) Call in the local Witch Doctor and get high on domestic euthenogens in order to spirit walk and kill their ancestors.

c.) Summon the 'tatooed man' to deal with it.

d.) Have Mrs Dr. Murk make shoes out of them.

Kwestion trois:

3. Interpol has sent their lawers again. You escape arrest by...

a.) Don a crappy disguise and tell them that you are Guy Incognito.

b.) Show them your file on Joey Polanski and cut a deal.

c.) DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!!!

d.) Poison their blood with a needle.

Kreton numbah foor:

4. You wake up and are no longer Dr. Murk. You...

a.) Die in anguish.

b.) Assume Hell has finally followed with you... and caught up.

c.) Make a sandwich and figure it will wear off eventually.

d.) East a lightbulb. It can't be worse.

Questio cinq:

5. You have not posted to your blog due to severe writers cramp. How do you excuse yourself to your adoring public?

a.) Make a lame excuse and not give a fuck.

b.) Tell the truth about the Yakuza ninja assault on your compound.

c.) Force the Angry Piper to write this at gunpoint.

d.) Nothing. You're Dr. Murk. You are the internet.

Quick

I get a lot of random thoughts up in my brain crib. Sometimes life isn't so easy when you stick a portable genius box on top of your neck, you know? Like there's this one thought I keep having over and over again.