Women Are Stupid

Ug! John McCain picked a silly woman as his running mate. That is so dumb. Women are weak and confused. She'll only get everything all screwed up with her woman hormones and bleeding week. I didn't bother to read her name or whatever else about her, she's a woman, and therefor not qualified.

The only thing that makes sense is that maybe he wanted someone to clean the Oval Office. I bet she starts crying during a debate when Joe Biden asks her a tough question or calls her out on some idiot woman remark she makes.

I mean, seriously! Would you want a WOMAN running the country? Just read the blogs of some of the ugly women who comment on this and other of my posts. They're crazy! They sleep in bags of shit and shave their backs. No thanks.

So, John McCain, I hope this is a joke. I hope you're just doing this to play a prank on her cause she's a dumb girl. I hope you get some old white guy like Joe Biden, or an Oreo Cookie like Obama. I can just picture it now, this woman's first speech:

"Oh. I'm... I... I... Booo hooo hoo hooooooo. I'm a woman and I can't take care of myself and I need a man for sexual pleasure!"

Oh GOD!

Let Me Tell You Something About Hillary Clinton

You Democrats made a HUGE fucking mistake. Even I was impressed by her last night. Instead, you nominated a stuck up, paranoid, anti-American, bitter, childish, ego driven dickhead and let him put Joey Beans on the ticket. Obama is a liar, a con artist, a stuffed shirt, a puppet and a nobody.

Hillary would have wasted no time going after McCain. Obama spent months whining. You can see he's over his head and doesn't belong. Look, I understand what he represents and I know he's a change from Bush. Unfortunately, for most Americans he's not an acceptable change. Hillary would have been. Would have. Her cries for unity underscore why she is better than Barack Obama. He won and he still didn't want unity.

He and Clinton are almost identical in policy and ideology. He's an ass. She's not. She can work with people. He's a spoiled little brat. And he's not all that sharp, despite his Finishing School Education and his career wife.

Feel free to tow the party line and vote for him of you want, that way I'll get to make fun of you for doing it.

For the Kids

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Get the Disco Call Going (waddup DNC!)

The Democratic National Convention began like a wet fart moments ago, to empty seats and cat calls. The two biggest developments:

Wolf Blitzer rocking the Janet Jackson Headset Mic. Maybe this is for when Wolf, overcome by his liberal hormones, starts moonwalking to Fleetwood Mac. I mean, who are you??? Really, who IS Wolf Blitzer??? He's a tool, that's what he is. Jon Stewart is backing me on this. He called him a gerbil.

John McCain busted out Daddy Yankee at a photo op. Now that's ethnic. How does this relate to the DNC? Simple. It made CNN. If CNN is soooo bored with the DNC that they cut to this? THIS???

Oh, you pussies are going to eat caca cake for another 4 years! I love it.

Joe Biden

So, I bet all of you want to know more about this week's savior, Joe Biden. You may think you know, but I have the real dirt. I checked his voting record, his driver's report and his delicious You Tube dance. So what sort of policy does Biden support? Let's take a look.

- Joe Biden does not support Global Warming. He thinks Global Warming is a bad idea and doesn't understand why we don't just ban Global Warming. He says Global Warming is causing crime rates to increase, and children to get hooked on 'fuzz', the new drug he thinks exists.

- Joe Biden is in favor of using cheap cologne to blind women.

- Joe Biden does not support child abuse, but says it's okay to give five firm spanks, followed by mockery.

- Joe Biden supports marriage for married people, or those who wish to get married, as long as someone else decides it's okay.

- Joe Biden likes Roe v. Wade, but would restore the original 'director's cut' which includes partial and full birth abortion along with forced infant suicide. But, he says he doesn't beieve in it personally, just for people who want that sort of thing in places where it's okay.

- Joe Biden's attitude towards other nations is as follows, "Everyone's okay. Just make sure we all follow the rules and then I won't have to decide anything.

- Joe Biden plans on instituting a seventy-five day work week, followed by time to bury the dead. This will fix and then destroy the economy for good.

- Joe Biden likes Riverdance, but would never admit that in places like Idaho.

- Joe Biden is in favor of higher taxes on the wealthy, to give more government money to the wealthy.

- Joe Biden likes good looking, articulate black men. They're okay. It's those 7/11 robbing blacks he doesn't care for.

- Joe Biden has lots of experience being bought off by special interest groups.

- Joe Biden would release all prisoners that 'seem nice enough'.

- Joe Biden is in favor of pandering to blue collar sentiments from his gigantic house which he built in a nature reserve, on top of a nest of endangered owls.

So, here's a little song I wrote for Joe Biden and his awesome fix it all super great future as the Vice President:

Joe, Joe, Joe Biden.
You take psyllicibin.
Your legs are long,
And your hair was once brown.

You're a wet dream for me.
JOE.
BIDEN!

You Can't Trust the Commies

Secretly, at night, I wished for the Cold War to come back. Please, Jesus, make the Russians evil again. I prayed for it. It's not as sick as you think. Wait. Yeah, it is.

1. I like the idea of global nuclear arsenals. I like the idea of not knowing who's going to pop off and use a nuke. Nuke nuke nuke. Nuke 'em! Taliban gining you shit? Nuke 'em. French being snotty? Nuke 'em. China getting a bit uppity? Nuke 'em. Or, at least have that valid threat.

2. I want to see reruns of War Games. Great movie. Does not stand the test of time though. Don't watch.

3. More secret aeroplanes. Sweet. Now we'll finally get that US flying saucer we've been craving.

4. Validate the Olympics. It sucks that we've been beating the Russians for like 20 years now and not getting a wiff of awesomeness because they're not a superpower anymore.

5. Second Sino-Russian War!!!! China and Friends versus Russian and... well, no one. Even the French hate the Russians. Take that Vladdy! Take your stupid basketball players back.

6. defending Poland is awesome.

7. New 21st century cold war strategy games. Jeez, I am so sick of playing 1991's hottest war titles.

But most of all, it just seems right. Sure, Russia is in the twilight of its career, but that doesn't mean it won't be fun to kick their Red Army Asses from here to Kuala Lampour and back. Beat the Russians! Beat Beat the Ru-shins!

Don't get all huffy about the suffering of the stupid babies and crap like that either. That's why I want to fight Russia, to stop tht shit, yo.

So, slap a flag on your ass, question Obama's patriotism, and get Jingo for the new war.

Piss In Public Restrooms

It's that time of year again for the American/Armenian Piss In Public Restrooms drive. This is the week in which we encourage all people from America AND Armenia to piss in the public restrooms, and not on the streets, in other people's yards, or from roof tops.

As Americans, it's our job to show the rest of the world that we can do it. Yes we can. So, pee in the can, the publican, the lue, the wc, pee where you oughta, not on monuments or bridges or Subway Sandwich Restaurants.

Do NOT pee at the counter at CVS. Do not pee on some guy's mop at McDonalds. Do not pee in the food at your next office function. Pee where it counts, in a Public Lav, you shit.

So, all week long, please drain the weasel (or shake the dew off your fern, if you're a girly) INSIDE the public restrooms.

Next year we'll work on actually getting it in the toilet.