Sunday, December 6, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
If You Asked Me For More...
I would give it. And you did. Actually, no. No you didn't ask me for more, but I'm moving into the real of Twatters. I have a Twat account now.
What's that for? Nice. It's for fucking with your head day to day like. You see, I aven't always got the 400 words or so to make your life a slick dream, see? So, if I take the 15 or so words I DO got every day and melt them into some creamy alfredo sauce type blurbs, you'll be able to slurp up on my Murk whenever you want and always have it be freshy fresh. Dig?
It's not a blog.
Naw. Not a blog.
It's a Twat. So, go look at my Twat.
What's that for? Nice. It's for fucking with your head day to day like. You see, I aven't always got the 400 words or so to make your life a slick dream, see? So, if I take the 15 or so words I DO got every day and melt them into some creamy alfredo sauce type blurbs, you'll be able to slurp up on my Murk whenever you want and always have it be freshy fresh. Dig?
It's not a blog.
Naw. Not a blog.
It's a Twat. So, go look at my Twat.
Monday, November 16, 2009
A Horrifying Story
I went into one of those freaky massage parlors with the mirror glas storefront windows. You know the type. You do right? The ones for fuckin'. So, I went into one to get some... well, whatever it is guys get when they go in to get some. I was all about that.
Well, the wisened old crone at the desk took one look at me and proclaimed, "Ah! I know why you're here! I have just what you want!"
"Look, you old bitch," I said, "You can't possibly have what I want. You're old and dusty. I'm not even sure you're a woman!"
"Not me!" she said, shaking her head, "In that room is," she paused and snapped her fingers to get my attention again. I had become distracted by the shiny reflection in my penny loafers again. I'm sure you all know how much effort it takes to make them really shiny, and how good it feels when you've got them just perfect, right? "In that room is a sexual entity so powerful that no man or woman can resist it!"
"Satan?" I asked.
"No," she said. "For four hundred dollars you may enter if you think you are sex enough to survive." I paid my four hundred dollars and entered.
The room was dim, and behind a silk veil I saw a shadow writhing. I was rock. Instant rock. I dashed forward, my pants barely containing my manly impulse. I tore down the screen and...
HELLO!
That's my boy right there.
Well, the wisened old crone at the desk took one look at me and proclaimed, "Ah! I know why you're here! I have just what you want!"
"Look, you old bitch," I said, "You can't possibly have what I want. You're old and dusty. I'm not even sure you're a woman!"
"Not me!" she said, shaking her head, "In that room is," she paused and snapped her fingers to get my attention again. I had become distracted by the shiny reflection in my penny loafers again. I'm sure you all know how much effort it takes to make them really shiny, and how good it feels when you've got them just perfect, right? "In that room is a sexual entity so powerful that no man or woman can resist it!"
"Satan?" I asked.
"No," she said. "For four hundred dollars you may enter if you think you are sex enough to survive." I paid my four hundred dollars and entered.
The room was dim, and behind a silk veil I saw a shadow writhing. I was rock. Instant rock. I dashed forward, my pants barely containing my manly impulse. I tore down the screen and...
HELLO!
That's my boy right there.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Rants, Raves, Buzzards, Et Al
BuzzadirdBilly
Just a quick note to my pals in blog land and then a rant. The note reads thusly: BuzzardBilly rocks. Go see his blog. Link is above.
The rant has nothing to do with him. I just think he's cool.
The rant is as follows and I quote (myself):
I am constantly shocked. Shocked to fucking hell. I am Dr. Robert J. Murk, people. I am the evil side of the mind that we all have. So I see what we do and who we lie to and how we get over on people to get by. Lately, I've noticed a disturbing trend. There are normal people like all of us, who try to pull shit to get by and always get caught, and then there are people like the other rest of us that pull shit to get by an never get caught.
Since I am a shadow self to the internet and I am the orphaned child of your very own psyche, I am torn between the two groups. Let me back up a bit and explain. Everyone lives in this little reality we share. We know it's a tough place. We all do what we have to just to survive. Many of the things we do are distastful and unpleasant to us, but necessary.
We lie. We steal. We break promises. We cheat. We undermine. We sabotage. We headhunt. We flip out. We damage people. We make passive aggresive remarks. We all fucking do it to some degree. We have to. We don't survive long without greasing the wheels of the world with a little bullshit and graft money. We do it.
But, some of us get caught and some don't. Or, better said, some of us PAY dearly for transgressions and some manage to avoid consequences. And there is a relationship between how much we pay and how much we are willing to do not to pay. Meaning, some people know when to duck and let the guy behind them get hit.
Here's the problem.
In a world of competent liars, the stakes are being raised to very high levels. The fall guy who bears the brunt of other people's indiscretions is getting a triple dose. So, when dude number one passes the buck to dude number two, dude number two passes the buck and adds his buck into the kitty and passes it to dude number three. It's like 'hot potato'. When the music stops, the buck has been passed and added to so many times that the poor sucker holding it is paying the tab for many many many previous mistakes made by other people.
This would be okay if every once in a while the final bill landed on a complete shithead. Unfortunately, not a signle complete shithead has been hit by karma in the last 50 years or so.
This is messy. Let me clean it up.
We, the good guys, have been content to allow the blame to fall on us for a long time now. The shitheads haven't had a thing in the world to worry about because we, the good guys, continue to be good guys and just take it.
Here's my idea. Let's take all our crap, every single good guy among us, take our crap and lay the blame squarely on the nearest shithead for a change, even if they really had nothing to do with our crap. Find a shithead, blame him or her for your crap, walk away. Blame the shithead, walk away.
They are going to do it to us anyways. Why not pre-empt the strike?
Signed.
Just a quick note to my pals in blog land and then a rant. The note reads thusly: BuzzardBilly rocks. Go see his blog. Link is above.
The rant has nothing to do with him. I just think he's cool.
The rant is as follows and I quote (myself):
I am constantly shocked. Shocked to fucking hell. I am Dr. Robert J. Murk, people. I am the evil side of the mind that we all have. So I see what we do and who we lie to and how we get over on people to get by. Lately, I've noticed a disturbing trend. There are normal people like all of us, who try to pull shit to get by and always get caught, and then there are people like the other rest of us that pull shit to get by an never get caught.
Since I am a shadow self to the internet and I am the orphaned child of your very own psyche, I am torn between the two groups. Let me back up a bit and explain. Everyone lives in this little reality we share. We know it's a tough place. We all do what we have to just to survive. Many of the things we do are distastful and unpleasant to us, but necessary.
We lie. We steal. We break promises. We cheat. We undermine. We sabotage. We headhunt. We flip out. We damage people. We make passive aggresive remarks. We all fucking do it to some degree. We have to. We don't survive long without greasing the wheels of the world with a little bullshit and graft money. We do it.
But, some of us get caught and some don't. Or, better said, some of us PAY dearly for transgressions and some manage to avoid consequences. And there is a relationship between how much we pay and how much we are willing to do not to pay. Meaning, some people know when to duck and let the guy behind them get hit.
Here's the problem.
In a world of competent liars, the stakes are being raised to very high levels. The fall guy who bears the brunt of other people's indiscretions is getting a triple dose. So, when dude number one passes the buck to dude number two, dude number two passes the buck and adds his buck into the kitty and passes it to dude number three. It's like 'hot potato'. When the music stops, the buck has been passed and added to so many times that the poor sucker holding it is paying the tab for many many many previous mistakes made by other people.
This would be okay if every once in a while the final bill landed on a complete shithead. Unfortunately, not a signle complete shithead has been hit by karma in the last 50 years or so.
This is messy. Let me clean it up.
We, the good guys, have been content to allow the blame to fall on us for a long time now. The shitheads haven't had a thing in the world to worry about because we, the good guys, continue to be good guys and just take it.
Here's my idea. Let's take all our crap, every single good guy among us, take our crap and lay the blame squarely on the nearest shithead for a change, even if they really had nothing to do with our crap. Find a shithead, blame him or her for your crap, walk away. Blame the shithead, walk away.
They are going to do it to us anyways. Why not pre-empt the strike?
Signed.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Cake Boss Murk
Lookit!
It's my famous Popcorn Chicken and Taquito Double Layer Cake!
In in other news, ESPN's football coverage has now been simplified for all viewers. The new Sunday Countdown Schedule is as follows:
11 a.m. - a brief discussion about Brett Favre.
11:01 - a question about Tom Brady's health and a comment about the Patriots losing to the Giants in the Superbowl.
11:02 - a discussion about Peyton Manning.
11:05 - coverage of the day's games, complete with references to Brett Favre, Paeyton Manning and and related Patriot's loss.
11:30 - Kenny Mayne does a silly story about Brett favre and Peyton Manning, with a reference to how Eli Manning beat the Patriots in the Superbowl, and so did Brett Favre.
11:45 - A history of Brett favre and Peyton Manning.
11:50 - results from the online poll, What would you pay to see? A Peyton manning Touchdown, a Brett Favre touchdown, or a Patriots loss?
12:00 Tom Jackson does a demonstration on how no one can blitz Brett favre or Payton Manning, complete with a montage of players who have sacked Tom Brady.
12:15 - Cris Carter blows 5 lines of coke off of Chris Berman's thigh.
12:25 - a discussion of how the Patriots have lost a few games this decade and which ones were the most fun to watch.
12:30 - Keyshon Jonson tries to kiss a boy.
12:45 - footage of Peyton Manning and Brett Favre warming up, mixed with footage of Brady being sacked and injured.
12:50 - Cris Carter puts his hands on Tom Jackson for the fiftieth time.
12:55 - Chris Berman ejaculates on a Brett Favre poster.
12:59 - Cris Carter drops his crack-pipe and makes another entertaining ethinic face.
I'm going to go eat my cake.
It's my famous Popcorn Chicken and Taquito Double Layer Cake!
In in other news, ESPN's football coverage has now been simplified for all viewers. The new Sunday Countdown Schedule is as follows:
11 a.m. - a brief discussion about Brett Favre.
11:01 - a question about Tom Brady's health and a comment about the Patriots losing to the Giants in the Superbowl.
11:02 - a discussion about Peyton Manning.
11:05 - coverage of the day's games, complete with references to Brett Favre, Paeyton Manning and and related Patriot's loss.
11:30 - Kenny Mayne does a silly story about Brett favre and Peyton Manning, with a reference to how Eli Manning beat the Patriots in the Superbowl, and so did Brett Favre.
11:45 - A history of Brett favre and Peyton Manning.
11:50 - results from the online poll, What would you pay to see? A Peyton manning Touchdown, a Brett Favre touchdown, or a Patriots loss?
12:00 Tom Jackson does a demonstration on how no one can blitz Brett favre or Payton Manning, complete with a montage of players who have sacked Tom Brady.
12:15 - Cris Carter blows 5 lines of coke off of Chris Berman's thigh.
12:25 - a discussion of how the Patriots have lost a few games this decade and which ones were the most fun to watch.
12:30 - Keyshon Jonson tries to kiss a boy.
12:45 - footage of Peyton Manning and Brett Favre warming up, mixed with footage of Brady being sacked and injured.
12:50 - Cris Carter puts his hands on Tom Jackson for the fiftieth time.
12:55 - Chris Berman ejaculates on a Brett Favre poster.
12:59 - Cris Carter drops his crack-pipe and makes another entertaining ethinic face.
I'm going to go eat my cake.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Da Werld Ceres
So.
Pedro Martinez will pitch in Game 2 of the Baseball World Series against the Yankees. In Yankee Stadium.
Now, I should hate Pedro Martinez, but I don't. He's a cocky little guy who smiles and somehow manages to keep pitching despite his lack of arm over the last 4 years. He shot his way out of Boston and made a complete pubic hair out of himself in the process. BUT.
Now he's pitching against the Yankees in a World Series. So.
Um.
Vote for Pedro.
Pedro Martinez will pitch in Game 2 of the Baseball World Series against the Yankees. In Yankee Stadium.
Now, I should hate Pedro Martinez, but I don't. He's a cocky little guy who smiles and somehow manages to keep pitching despite his lack of arm over the last 4 years. He shot his way out of Boston and made a complete pubic hair out of himself in the process. BUT.
Now he's pitching against the Yankees in a World Series. So.
Um.
Vote for Pedro.
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